Oro Plata Ainhoa

It has been over a week since I first and last saw her. That earthshaking nervousness I felt back then feels like a lifetime ago. Now all that fills me is the trembling fear of a foregone conclusion, waking me up every single day with a recurrent nightmare, twitching with a migraine as I gain consciousness, reminiscent of moments where I dare not tread. I am on the verge of being unhinged, losing myself to total dejection. 

It seems to me that while that hour of bliss echoes in perpetuity as one of the most exciting moments in my recent life, the same sentiment could not be said for her. It turns out that perhaps I have done more wrong by following my heart, that I have somehow lost her in ways I never thought would be that bad as a result, and that I should not have done it instead. Perhaps I am merely overthinking this, but the manner with which the situation has resulted has turned out to be rather lacklustre and lukewarm, even cold to a degree, and maybe she has found a reason to convince herself that my presence there had been rather more to that of a nuisance and that nothing of value could be achieved by our continued and prolonged interactions. Now she has no more incentive to do so, and she should not, for what else is there for her to offer me but false expectations. It is her own prerogative if she does decide to walk away. I have no say in the matter, but the silence which I find myself currently in is deafening because I have no clue what she actually thinks in all of this, in terms of her point of view. I just blindly fear I may have lost her completely already, and I simply hope this is not true, and it fills my heart with so much sadness, for I have fallen head to toes in love with someone whom I have no business falling in love with. This love I have for her has always been fragile. Always tempted to be broken at any moment's notice. Yet I clung to the hope that it would change for the better. This vanity of assumption has broken me since I returned home, clutching the stubbornness I inherited from whence I came, leaving me in tatters on how to exhaust the next point of progress without reeking of desperation.

Meeting her was a revelation. It had exposed me to a stamped realisation that while my feelings for her were truly genuine and sincere, it does not negate the fact that she remains to be leagues above my station. She is fire and ice while I am dirt and mud. By every metric of measurement, I am incapable and inadequate, insofar as making me feel as if there is nothing I can provide to her that will completely compliment her strengths and weaknesses that I feel one should have on a potential romantic interest, and yet there is that lingering feeling of desire in me to want to persevere and make it seem as if hope is an everlasting recipe for overcoming such adversity; it tangles on a string, ready to fall apart at any given moment in time. A change in me, a shift in outcome, a renewed purpose. Some miracle to eke me out of a lifelong rut. It just drains me to think that her recent disinterest in engaging with me now is a telltale sign that it just was not meant to be.

I have always been quick to say that loving her was worth it regardless, and that I am fully prepared to be broken into a million pieces by the inevitability of a future failure for the sake of a minute chance. Seeing her on that fateful day had convinced me thoroughly that somehow my efforts will not be in vain, and seeing this through to the end was more than enough. I did not foresee the strength of the impact of her coldness to reverberate so intensely at all.

Now I operate under a system of frustration and uncertainty. I am lost in my thoughts, burdened by my insecurities once more. There is no point in being mad at her, because I have no right to be, but I am just buried in a sandpit of sadness I cannot crawl back from. Should there be any confirmation of my fears being affirmed, I will need an extended period of hiatus, from any and everything weighing me down. This might be my last entry I will make for quite some time, as I have need to ruminate on how to go about with my life absent inspiration of her.

All of this does not take away the feelings that I have that remain for her. It will continue to remain for quite some time. Let it be said that she has warned me about all this from the beginning. I do not regret a single moment. Intimate moments of introspection has always acknowledged her value as a human being worthy of love and respect and admiration in my eyes, and nothing can ever take that away from me. Despite her lack of reciprocation of nonplatonic gestures, I will continue to uphold my part as a contributor to her wellbeing if need be, should she ever need it. It is humbling to know that even though I have completely failed in some aspects, that I can still continue to provide a positive outlook despite the worrying circumstance I find myself in. I will be here, waiting in vain, for that odd greeting of new hello that does not nearly compare or compete with the old one that once was bubbly and sweet, nisi quia she was once was merely a dream then made into reality.