Having fun at the wrong place and the wrong time

A reckoning is bound to happen and soon, perhaps more sooner rather than later, and it is hard to gauge whether or not I am ready for it. Nothing prepares one for such eventuality. I loathe having to use this phrasal verb, but I deem it apt and all I really have to do now is to simply "man up." Minds will be shattered, hearts will be broken, and tears will be shed. Mostly mine, for the record, obviously. A one-sided affair almost always ends up unwell for one party and a massive vindication for the other. Perhaps I have been there myself to know.

Nobody here owes me an iota of anything, yet I do wonder if the main reason for all of this itself will reflect to that of my severed expectations? Or will it be a curious whimper? Or perhaps even worse than I thought? I was in a tragicomedy all along! A melodrama, a revenge thriller, perhaps, or maybe an elegy to all the crocodile tears being wept at my funeral? Or will it simply be buried under a cacophony of excuses and half-truths? Do I even deserve to hear it? Do I have the capacity to ask or appeal or beg for crumbs? Am I liable for any inconveniences for asking such silly questions in the first place? Is it better not to ask at all? Would it have been better to bottle all these up? Would things have changed for the better? Does an alternate reality exist where I finally saw light at the end of a tunnel? So many questions, and I still have more left up here, but in essence, all I need is ask:

Why?

The only one-word question that befits every single occasion for every one I have ever had or will have inside my head. I always seem to circle around this subject with the wrong question. In reality, the foundation of truth that this agitation stems from is built upon the premise of this question itself. Obviously there is a more nuanced explanation, but whether or not I will learn it, or if I even deserve to learn it, is a whole other thing. Having fun at the wrong place and the wrong time is an improbable, but not impossible, task. In order for me to depart from this way of thinking, I then need to address this and ask myself another single-word question:

How?