Face value

There are a lot of things to take in today, and I still have not had enough time to masticate it thoroughly and completely, so at times I will feel half-and-half about it, but the best way to handle this new information is to digest it slowly and with time. That just means that this is a premature draft of what I actually want to say and feel. Sometimes the preliminary deliberations give a bit of legroom for whatever I may actually come up with, and it seems to me that I have indeed a lot to think about in terms of who and where I am and the progression of my feelings and emotions in general. I feel like it is best to address it unhindered and unadulterated, because truthfulness is a resolute motivator for a healthier path forward towards the next goal.

When I woke up today, I still had a hangover from the anguish I feel for possibly losing Ainhoa for good, and perhaps the same would be the case today had I not drummed the courage to confront her with a single-line text message on my way to the university. It was not my intention to do so, but the stirring of echoes inside my head were persistent and constantly nagging, I just had to do something about it. These feelings I have really dumb me down into oblivion, but her response to it was remarkably astute and direct and eye-opening that I just had to be in awe of it. In reality I was just glad we are back on speaking terms again now, albeit with a sense of coming to terms with it, and I am not sure I have, but I am learning.

Perhaps it is both my greatest achievement and failure to be my own worst impediment. Ainhoa's long reasoning as to why she had to back away was a testament to my inability to control the chinks in the armour of my impulses. I was so adamant on a singular mission when I arrived here not taking into consideration of how it might affect her or me to decline this invitation. To me it was just a moment of clarification. I have to accept the inevitability, not of a failure, but of my terrible judgement. I have to accept that this does not have to be the be-all-and-end-all.

Yes, fact of the matter is it does hurt to a lot of extent, but if I have to lift myself back up to optimism, I have to accept this reality that the timing was just ill-advised. I should stop wallowing my mind on her reasonings for doing so, it does not matter now, I just need to accept that it is. Period. What it is and is not is more important to me, and what matters to me as it stands is to remain on her good graces still. Would one call this a surrender if I did? Perhaps so, but that matters very little. Am I just that desperate enough to keep enduring this would-be folly if I so choose? Perhaps so, but there is still a light that never went out. I believe in this particular speck of light. I have faith that this charred wick will pull me through if it ever rises above all these trials and obstacles. It is not over until it is over, and I could easily chip in a quick snide and a but after this phrase, I am not about to lose her for whatever reason especially when she has proven unbridled desirability in a would-be partner. From here on out, I have absolutely no idea where to go or what to do or what will be, but all I do know is that I want to keep fighting for her.

So the title of this draft is kind of ironic: Face Value. On one hand I take into account everything she has laid out to me today with face value. On the other figurative hand, perhaps there are no values to be had because our faces have never encountered still. No sense in trying to force something that cannot be, and no sense in putting blame on who is at fault, and no sense at being frustrated for not getting what I want. It just is. Sometimes it sucks, but I still have to make this new development count in order to move forward. How do I move along with this? What is the next best course of action? What will happen next on the last few days I remain here in Gran Canaria? How do I make the most out of this? So many questions, so many things that shake me to the core, and I have no answer. The answers will have to come to me themselves. If I knew of a risk or gamble to partake, I would have done so already.

I still need more time to ruminate, and perhaps some claritycrafting might ensue, by the by.