Ides of June

If anyone is reading this, welcome to the story of my defeat.

Now I am slowly acknowledging that failure and resentment is going to continue plaguing me on, as it should be, I mean, I guess that is how life operates, but before it succeeds in its endeavour, I might as well try to make light of the situation moving forward with the little time I have left, bring some levity prior to the demise, before reality comes roaring back, and realise that the fantasy I have conjured for myself is perhaps preferable over the actual thing. Sometimes when you create something beautiful and special with your mind, you would want to protect it with all your heart and soul by keeping it where it should be. Inside your mind, where it is untouchable, irreplaceable. Subliminal, but fragile, a figment of the imagination, to be sure, but a welcome one.

Never meet your heroes, never consider anyone a true friend, leave everything to no one but yourself, and most especially, never love without reciprocation.

Everyone is bound to be a disappointment eventually.

It could be that the risk outweighs the importance of the situation at hand, but oftentimes the individual loses more before having a chance to bank on it. Mileage varies wildly in most cases, but I am merely speaking on behalf of my own personal biases. Living through me can be a wicked path, as it turns out. But someday, someone of a kindred spirit will pass through life with the same amount of fraternal happenstances, perhaps moreso than I care to think, and maybe my story resonates, maybe not. I will be glad to take credit for their reassurances, for recognising someone else's burden, and having carried it myself, move it to a safer spot where we could ruminate and intervene together without any fear of judgement and criticism. We will never get a chance to shine, because nothing matters really in the grand scheme of things. I could be happier now, for sure, but even if I succeeded, how long will the charade consume me before the unmasking needs to be laid out and have its wishes respected? 

I am at the precipice of a very important and life-changing moment of my life. This is a culmination of a lot of things and also a lot of nothings. And that is okay. I am the retribution of all that came before, then and now. An embodiment of anthologies for all the cautionary tales that have been told in the past, now pushing back against the deluge of it. I have had it. Becoming tired and misanthropic is never a goal one should attain to, but we have to have a clear understanding of what we are and our roles in shaping the world as we see fit.

The constant back-and-forth slinging between my heart and mind is at an all-time high, when the purpose of having this risky endeavour was to alleviate it somehow. I have failed massively, and now it is time to sow the inevitable outcome with begrudging acceptance. We must all remain steadfast. The rage and unhappiness also have their own individual durations. Even if it fails to pass, we must endure, but we should never forget these moments of affliction. When it finally is our time to get over it, always remember today, and have it tattooed on to your soul. Forgive, never forget, and forever we shall all be alone together.