Lazy from C-Z

People always told me to be wary of how you act, My mother always made it a point to respect women. This was at the nadir of her lifetime. She reiterated things over and over like a broken record, especially after what happened with Mioseon, and the same when Miriam left. The final month where we had the short opportunities to actually dig into each other's minds, that was all she ever preached, as if I was never good at all. But there is some truth to it, otherwise those things would have worked out much differently than it did. She never knew about certain things of my life, but deep inside she felt the knots in my ropes, hard as I try to disguise it. She is of my blood after all. I miss her. I try not to miss her. I try not to think of her at all. Because I do not deserve to. I was complicit. It will live on inside me for the rest of my life, and I will live with that fact with no one else to hopefully know the full extent of this sordid affair. I do not deserve anyone's sym

Testing out my heart's capacity to endure. So in trying to eliminate any unwarranted vectors from making any decisive inputs, I turn to an action of least resistance. The other gentlemen slowly curtsied away into the weekend while the whole day slips from my grasp. It was an unmanly sight, driven by complete nightmare in faulty autonomy. The capacity to neglect the structure of my needs ultimately leads me to a more righteous path. It is ordained. Then my heart cleaves in wanting. There is no other recourse. One thing leads to another. Enduring the structure and tormenting the slow wait. It has since been forever. Even before this started, and it has always been the same since then. Still wanting the same thing, waiting for the same thing. These tests mean little when I know for certain my own heart's capacity. It can accommodate all, even this, so I know for certain it can also handle the positive aspects of its counterpart. Tiding the ebb and flow. Watching the rise and fall.

I walk alone. I find myself standing naked all alone, deep in the heart of gold and silver and... there is no way out. This drudgery leaves me inconsolable. Sometimes I lack the precision of words to describe the feeling, but the feeling remains nevertheless, worse than words could ever define. Sometimes I find myself contemplating whether the words I use best resemble the moments I endure, and then I tell myself no. I still am naked all alone. For years and years, and years have passed indeed, the path laid forth offers little reprieve. Actions offer very menial returns. Life and love and passion, all entangled all at once. Perhaps the meaninglessness of it all has been taken away from me, the urgency to push back and the audacity to retaliate. I am a creature borne of habit, and the habit has consumed me whole, dug deep, deep in the heart of gold and silver and...

Just thinking about what everyone's thinking Who gets what to say? It's like having a bout with water and sinking Flows me out of way