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Showing posts from January, 2011

Day 2: Hellice

I braved the hellish cold after leaving the studios last night without any expectations in mind except perhaps a little bit of fear and paranoia. My body despised the memories of before back when I spent four miserable days and nights out in the wintry streets of London walking with only my willpower groove on half-empty. Last night was reminiscent of such a disastrous event. I took Jaime's advise and slept somewhere where there are long, overdue working hours like airports and international tube stations, decided to make a visit to King's Cross/St. Pancras International and did just that. It's extremely disgusting attempting to sleep in the bathroom, sure is. You're there leaning your head on the wall trying to catch some sleep when suddenly a guy on the other side farts and bleeds brown and the noise, oh the noise, is just so uncomfortable to the naked ears no matter how much you try to avoid it. I didn't last ten minutes, I just had to kill time some other way.

Day 1: Rise and fall

Okay, so the continuation to Creep will have to wait. These past few days have been quite rocky and last night turns out to be the last straw. I gave up on life and everything associated with it in general. Now I normally don't get dragged down by someone else's burdens but if that someone else turns out to be someone who has been with you throughout your existence then you might as well forget it. The 'fuckingness' absurdity of the one to blame is near impossible to vindicate, so my only answer to that was just to run away. As fast as I can. Away from all the petty foolishness brought on either by someone you love or someone you love but you don't love no more, just so you could avoid that irresistible urge to retaliate and commit something else more heinous that you undoubtedly would regret. I'm 100% homeless, without a place to call my own, without anyone to care in the world, without a fiver in my wallet. Not even my wallet itself. Left it there with the jo…


She was anxious to leave the flat the moment she woke up. Her deep repugnance for her current disposition is no secret even to those that surround and care for her.

Armed with a laptop in bed, ChloĆ© checks up on all that is needed to be checked and maintained, fiddled with some of her materials and collection, and played some of her tunes for good measure. She picked up her guitar that hasn’t been touched in ages and calibrated it. She never pays attention to it more often than before, her interest now is mostly diverted into drums. One strum of it brought forth nostalgia from days gone by, a haunting leap from the throat that she had long forgotten, erased and failed to consider. And so she stayed on with it longer than she thought, composed herself for preparation in front of the glass window while the pale bright sky reflects back from her face.
She knew her moment to shine won’t arrive anytime soon, not even this day. There is no exception, she thought. There never is or was. The c…


My febrile condition has finally ceased in merely hours after the initial rest. Unfortunately, time was wasted on certain opportunities which failed to manifest due to this unforeseen circumstance which also was supposedly a moment of priority. Another full day has arrived and in this calling I would like to emphasize the value of formulation. In this way I will begin the next phase of assault against those marauders that fail to understand the simplicity of instructions. My objective for now is to lay low, and with keen observation, gather information about the goal and accomplish that said task.

English Socialism revival

My fear of the unknown finds more suspension in my weakness than it is in my strength. Last I recall the process of withdrawal from the trauma of depression was excruciatingly torturous and, like barbiturates, induces me to commit foul travesties of mediocrity and uselessness and temporary stupor of mind and body. Luck has never found its way towards me. If ever she had any plans of reconciliation then heaven forbid she failed miserably in her objective and to that I give to her a big middle finger in her sore excuse of a slut of a face. Never have I found something as hypocritical as faith in all things good. There exists no such idea. This false claim was revamped from old epic folk tales of a hero that stands between what it is that serves as good and evil. Hardly many people fail to think such a marvellous thought could prevail at first glance. Everyone anticipates a closed ending where the protagonist always claims his birthright victory over the gargantuan evil entity opposite o…

Placebo, say yes

Return to pseudo-productivity. What else is there in store for the boy with a thorn on his side? Not particularly sure if prepared, but he will take it head on, reckoning even at this early stage that this week would rather be bumpy and perilous, and not too sure why, but surely will be able to manage as usual.


Party like it's 2002!

In the name of

Frustrating, why do I always find a reason to frustrate myself? This cacophony of echoes bursting like O2 Arena speakers in a mirage of self-torture. I missed another opportunity, and I don't want to miss another one, for the next objective is quite special to me, but I need something. I need to prepare for it and find another thing special beneath the complexities of my character. I need to burst into my Yoko Kurama, whatever it is, wherever it is, I need badly and I need it soon. Scratching my gonads are a thing of the past. More than once is enough, twice is bluff, thrice and I'll be here for awhile.


For those of you who saw the maple tree and thought of it as their lover For those of you who got run down by a dog and felt it laugh For those of you who spoke to a shrink and got told to buzz off For those of you who spilt milk on a plane and caused panic For those building blocks I lost out of nowhere when I was four For those clothes you once wore but all of a sudden is now old For the moon high up above who chants faint whispers and glow For all the meat I stuffed into my mouth before I became a vegetarian For the fake guitar at home I  used to impress my friends coming over For the books I failed to read and used solely for decorative purposes To my mom and dad I love to hate and still hate all the more To my sister whose innocence proved fatal to our demise I should have known I should have known I repeat, I should have known So I wouldn't be alone


So my resolution wasn't so resolute after all. Not that I expected much really. Or should I say, I did expect much only to procrastinate as usual. I decided to alter my plans and instead revert back to my previous way of not eating rice. Nasty thing, that is. I don't see any improvement with my snakehole at all. It's just as rotund as before, and equally nasty as any other spiteful thing. What are the chances of me changing into something productive? Seems like the odds are from zero to none at all. This year should be a different set knowing that this is the year of the rabbit. I'd take all the superstition I can if that's what it takes for me to be sensible. On top of that, the astrological age is also that of the Pisces. Everything points out to my favour, but nothing really ever changes, nothing ever matters, nothing is... I'm nothing. And that's the bottom line, wallowing in self-pity. Despite the sun's infinite form, it only takes a lifetime to wi…

Cold as ice

The bird's golden talons latched on to her back as she turned around in intense pain. She was hopelessly cornered by the bird of prey. The animal then began lifting her up into the air with a powerful force unimaginable of its weight and size. All she could do was watch herself be dragged into all of it in fear. It then began floating high up into the sky still latched on to the woman's clavicles painfully. Her skin would droop as if it was about to get torn apart from her body. Blood started dripping through her shoulders and into her breasts and back. She had no other option but to close her eyes and wait for it to end.

When the girl opened her eyes, she woke up in a dark cellar somewhere and immediately thought she was dreaming all along, but the scars penetrated by the claw of the fowl and the blood stain in her clothing proved otherwise. She had no recollection of what happened then. The place was filled with nothing but soiled linen and cobwebs made by impecunious spiders…


Wall-e in my workstation.


We lost one guy to alcohol tonight. He was probably swapping sweat with Frankenstein's wife. They deserve each other after sprinkling us with spit every time he opens his mouth, although I'm still a bit worried where he is and how he's doing. Probably happier than my current disposition, I suppose. Lucky bastard. Cheeky, but lucky.

Goal unme(a)t

Not even a day passed after 2011 and I already committed a grave error of not being able to keep my resolution. I promised myself to no longer eat meat and just strive on fruits and vegetables for a healthier lifestyle. After the party, I was hungry as a wolf, agitated as a whore. The table greeted me with wine and cider and meat at home. Fruits were present too, but who'd notice such a thing when my drool lusts for the flesh of bovine? Is it possible to skip the first day for the resolution and start maybe tomorrow? My willpower is weak sauce.

Happy New Year! (not again)

So I just got back from my NYE party. It was so short and unsatisfying. Midnight struck and I didn't even notice it until people inside were singing Auld Lang Syne in unison. Had our glass of champagne and that was it. We just had to go home, night's over, everyone's tired from the long travel beforehand.
This night was not anything special as opposed to all the others. Last year was way worse though, and I'm glad I have this now rather than last year's once again. A funny thing happened. One blonde girl hit on me, and I pussed out as fucking usual. Sorry, dad. I am such a disappointment, hah. I blanked out unknowingly, and everything was as easy to get as ABC, and I messed up big time. I should do more of this eyeing stuff next time, but next times are not always the same. Regret, anxiety, disgrace, disappointment.
I'm not going to sleep well tonight, am I? Fuckity fuck fuck.