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Showing posts from December, 2010


First of all, happy new year, my lovely, technological companion!
So I've been using this nifty new application from the App Store recently since it was announced in Gizmodo that it was going to be free all throughout January. It's called Runkeeper. It's kind of like that Nike + iPod thing only better, I don't need some button or something in my shoe. It records the distance, the calories burned (lol), it even has music, and it records the route you've partaken and utilises Google Maps (I think) for easy pointers. It's really neat. I'm loving this simple New Year's resolution for myself, try it!
Think about it, it's like Facebook for healthy people (or not).

Lights out

Infatuation with the dark usually stems from the desire to step away from the concept of love without having to compromise the love that is already within one's self. It usually is created to fill the gaps between sorrow, depression and that idea of longing for someone or something either intentional or involuntary. The longer the time lapses, the larger the consequences take its toll upon that said person and it usually begins in a scornful way, much more so when the vulnerability of the victim is at its lowest point. There begins that lingering idea of suicide, sadomasochism and most common among its vile ways, use of drugs. But there are some of those that survive that moment in time without succumbing to the treachery of human stain. These people form a bond with themselves greater than the bond they usually share with their parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, sometimes even God Himself. The central idea that forms within that person begins to make an understanding of…

Simplest of things

I struggle even with the simplest of things. I find it difficult to follow simple arithmetic. I am highly instinctive and my instincts are usually selfish, what is outside of its realm deserves no gratitude of any sort. I am not without common sense though, but sometimes I feel that with me being this pretentious, it feels as though what I pretend moulds into what I become, nasty as it may be, and I lost it all, every simple matters and treasures I have had. Relationships, opportunities, money, career, any materialistic possessions I could have had.
Looking back at things there certainly were moments where I felt life took its own detour. Early retirement, the 'restaurant' (if they insist), the home incident, London aspirations, nurses and failure debarment, independence, up to this point, none of it were as painful as trying to remember the incident before it all happened. The blissful everyday life routine, the fresh scent of pigeons in the morning underneath our mango tree, …


Neutral by Cil Rand
"I'm not shy but this is different. I can't explain the way I'm feeling tonight."


Wall-e by Cil Rand

Blessing in disguise

Although my holiday, despite not having finished yet, is arguably the worst I have ever had, a blessing in disguise in the form of an old flame came out of nowhere and surprised me with a hello and that was that. I now have reason to keep going again. I cannot justify the intention of that said person for contacting me but I feel obliged to be very fortunate of being remembered even as far as my birthday in two or three months' time. We were almost without communication for a year or so due to miscommunication and my pathetic excuse for a joke that ended up in a sour tone which eventually led to our demise. She was as pure as a dove, in search for the bountiful loots life has in offer, and I was a rogue looking for some gold and damsel to abuse. But she changed me in lots of ways normal people would not dare go beyond into especially when you talk about my relationships with people in the past. It's a huge step and a big rebound to my optimism, but sadly, like all other sad lo…


Today I am going talk about nothing because that's all there is really. What is it about nothingness that is so alluring most people have it but also doesn't have it at the same time? And is there a choice whether or not you are lucky or unlucky to be one of the very many chosen ones to suffer the same fate? I will try to avoid speaking intellectually for the sake of the masses, not that I'm implying I have any, but to make it a lot more easier and simpler for all the busybodies out there unaware of the possibilities that someday life will also be nothing for them. What is it that drives us? What is it that does not? Nothing. A word so empty yet full of definition. Make something out of nothing kind of philosophy. Will there be any chance of irrefutable evidence that nothing is also something? How about everything?
Ironically, nothing is something because it is most often used as an indefinite pronoun. Therefore, it stands for something, whatever nothing is, or it is not. I…

Only the lonely

You're perfect, yes, it's true... but without me, you're only you.
Imagine (no pun intended) John Lennon without Yoko. That would be.. gasp!
I feel the urge to defecate as I write this but I withhold it for a little while longer. Meanwhile, I really would want to rest my head somehow seeing as that I have spent almost twelve long hours soaked into this tiny otherworldly thing most people would call a 'laptop' and coincidentally enough, it is on top of my lap and belly button while I lie in my light-deprived bed and the telly staring at me for hours now doing nothing and showing nothing as well. What a charmer I am, trying to lure out the scum that the world ever so needed. Hello scum, welcome to my world now where you can find your vivid imaginations come to life in the form of mutilated fungus and deformed fingernails consumed and enjoyed for pleasure in this not-so-alluring twisted and deluded fantasy of mine. The clown has woke up, it's time for bed. Milk and …


Honour lost amongst thieves Buried within the windy leaves The friction of pain one receives Nothing compared to what he believes What it is that life for him gives Depends on what he plans and weaves

Minus stellar

Wow, the days cannot be any more slower and unproductive than this. This fucking sucks. I revolt against myself! How dare I! When I grow up I want to drink coffee and have lots of children, eat pancakes for dinner, and drive my own bicycle. That's ambition for me. Fuck. You.
Fuck. Me.
I wish.

Nothing better than shopping...

... after long months of not being able to, either because I lack the sufficient funds to do so or I simply have no longer control of my time as I divulge myself fully to my newfound interest, theatre. First of all I had no intention of going shopping. I didn't have enough before I woke up this morning. My utmost priority was mainly to resolve the internal conflict going on with regards to my visa renewal. I did the biometrics thing at Elephant and Castle which was eerily deja vu, like I was back at Manila for a couple of minutes. I tried hard not to be anxious and nervous but I can't help especially after the dude told me I had lots of bad prints on my first try. I had to go to the washroom and wash my filthy hands. Only God knows (and me) where it has been for the past couple of days, and I wouldn't want to tell you myself. It's a personal secret. I went back and I, unsure whether or not fortunate, finally got it partially right having only two left questionable fing…


Mulled by wine and steel the suffering has been stifled and weakened. The blacksmiths have abandoned their crafts at long last. With their wives and children they set forth to the neighbouring kingdom of Villarosa where our hope awaits and defends. Along with warriors and rogues, thieves and fools alike, we march. Although, I understand, it was never intended to be easy.
There were innumerable obstacles in store for us.
Weather. The frozen tundras were the only way forward and we had no option but to move along. The extreme chill pierced through our skin and left half of the people in agony and gloom. There was no talking along the way, everyone's teeth were preoccupied in rattling. Not to mention the rabid mammals who were lurking behind the icicles with their eyes intent on making dinner made of human flesh. The blanched bears and silver wolves hunted us as if we were prey, and we were at that moment vulnerable. I had to stand up and defend my people from countless creatures of na…

First term

Countdown to Christmas and New Year has always been the liveliest time of year. Not for me, not for me. I'm an exception. It's always one step different with me. I believe it has been almost five long years of celebrating the holidays alone, and although I may not be sincerely miserable, there is no denying a tinge of hurt in my sensitivity. Now is the first time I get to be with my 'loved ones,' if for some mocking chance that pair of words truly exist, and I feel that rabid urge to cling on to whatever it is that was left of the past analogies I had of life and growing up. In other and simpler words, I just want to be alone. I don't want to be with them. Not that I hate them, well, I do a little bit, but still. I want to go somewhere else if possible. I want to live life as it should be lived, and that constant denial of joy will never go unanswered especially when part of me is involved in it. I guarantee there will be anything but peace on Earth during this yea…


Sad that I suck at cooking It matters not no more Techniques can be taught That's what Thomas is for
I have to hurry up I have to leave in a few Must have my shower soon The clock's telling me to

Dress rehearsal

The scratch he sustained from the various bodily range of motions he conjured begins to swell and turn all the more red. With use of the first aid kit found at his own humble abode he decides to disinfect the wound with alcohol and a band aid which belonged to his old folk who was asleep when he decided to have a grab at it without permission, and why not if for the good purpose. He hurt his body from too much exertion, can barely bend his back and abdominal regions. Everything seemed to hurt him, including his acquaintances which he found slightly bearable depending on circumstance. He had a fragile emotion, ever changing in every moment he can. It hurt him most after reading the morning zodiac informing him of later success and happiness at the end of each day which never seems to occur at all.
He is once again irked by the actions of a previously nice female acquaintance who recently became a stuck-up bitch with pimples and square head. Her countenance reminded him of a classic cart…


Ohh my God... Baby you done took this... to another level! Now a neighbourhood nigga like me ain't supposed to be gettin no pussy like this Damn, damn!, who thought you how to get sexy (Ceezy taught me) You never use to talk dirty, but now you damn disgusting. My, my God, where'd you learn that? (Ceezy taught me) Look at you... naked... with them... Jimmy Choo's off. Who thought you how to put some... Jimmy Choo's on? (Ceezy taught me) Yo, you took your game up a whole 'nother level, this is some Cirque 'u Soleil now! You done went all porno on it, k. And I, and I love it... And I thank you, I thank you, my dick thanks you! How did you learn, how... how did your game come up? (Ceezy taught me) I was... parts of your pussy I never... before. I was in there like, oo, I never been here before. I've never even seen this part of town before. It's like you got this... re-upholstered or something. What the fuck happened? Who, who the fuck got your pussy all re-upholstered? (C…

Will be

I once remember (not too long ago) a woman telling me in her own nicest way possible that my fashion sense were laughable for wearing skinny and tight leggings which I find best suitable when I am moving to and about the room doing all those crazy stunts for performance classes. The criticism was utterly preposterous and honestly left me dumb-founded. Was she that stupid? Or was she just looking for a nasty reason to piss me off and she succeeded? Anyway, who was her to say what I to wear or not to wear in the first place? It's the most ridiculous criticism I've ever heard of myself in all my living glory, and I've had crazier ones but not as annoying as this. Imagine doing splits or cartwheels on denims. What irks me the most is that she was potentially the best one amongst the women, and she destroyed herself by that statement alone.
It's the last week of the first term. I don't know what to make of it. Made an equal amount of love as much as I made a suitable amo…

Philosophical rubbish

There was nobody left anywhere. Lights flicker steadfastly signalling it's time to go. The floor shadows ignite tension to the room as if occupants of same space. The table was just as bored as he was. He found company amongst furnitures and leftover utensils.
'Lead me quietly into the dark, and I will bring light upon it. The stars will forever shine upon me as if to say I am not alone, and I always was and never, for the same stars were there, not in the same location as they would the previous meeting, but that same energy flow towards his character runs deep, eyes cower, lips quiver. What sort of resistance was necessarily folly? What limited preconceptions materialised before our heads? There is no answer to your self-pitying query. The riddle comes in forms of emotions. Sadness, melancholy, grief, despair, nostalgia. These are the guiding bodies to your salvation, and these will find all the ways of which you can manifest into a whole, an entity of yourself and of the pla…


One of these days I am going to get myself in order and shapeThing is, there has not been much of an inclination to do so Recently, nothing has been happening much, too mundane Zapped back into repression, people think I am taciturn Old enough to know better, too cute to care The idea stems from the pitiful nature of the ignoramuses The world has had loads of those, unfortunately I desire to go back to being loquacious and stout And then wake up to the sound of my wet drool


Nobody finished the chips. I didn't like it cold nor the absence of crispiness helped. If any, it made it completely awful. I set it aside on the corner (usually left for a couple of days to rot in vain), drank a can of soft drink lying beside the table. The urge to pee was unbearable, pulled the zip down aiming the glorious shaft in the tiny hole of the can, released the frustrations inside, and yelled out a thunderous roar. The place was immediately silenced. Finally establishing the much-needed territorial stance like a proud canine, I go back to my normal self.

Alone but not lonely

Mocked by the intensity of the cacophonous banter of the surrounding crowd, he shuts himself away into an oblivious reverie. He has no approbation from his peers whatsoever; it is but merely a test of faith, of patience. From his position and where he sits, it was clear that the intentions were illogically biased and pre-orchestrated to exclude even his subjective opinion. He would have none of that. Clearly this was to him a farcical joke no longer awarding of a punchline. There no longer was any relevance to the performing bodies anymore, all of which plagued by idiocy and crap mentality of the majority and unlawful pity to the minority. The enablers are all the more guilty by association, consumed by the desire to be accepted within the circle from which all mediocrity is based upon. It proved too tasteless for his buds, his inexperience would not even equate the lunacy he so just witnessed.
He shrugged it all off, outnumbered by the sheer folly of the antidrama, and so carried the …

Shaun the Sheep

At this current moment is the very first time I watched an episode of Shaun the Sheep. Nadieh the Dutch from class frequently mentions this adorable white mammal. In her own hysterical way, her eyes light up every single moment I put on my protective snow headgear that resembles that of this creature and, while smiling, calls me by the name of Shaun the Sheep. I really have no idea if I should take such actions lightly and if these are compliments or insults. At least I made her smile in an unexpected way, that is what matters. It is very difficult to please performers such as them and I value every single smile or praise they can utter to me for that would be a rare and momentous occasion. Except, of course, those people that I find stale in comparison with the majority.

Here I go again with my cynicism.


The interpersonal convergence was haphazardly on due. The notion of twin stars falling from space were fallacious. None of them bore a hint of truth. Life in the deep unknown were more complicated than one ever imagined. Infinity was at the tip of their grip. Megalomania will engross the invader. The rings of third Saturn were glowing bright red, rotating faster than usual and missing another moon. There was enigma amongst the stellar skies.


Emptied the sack. There was nothing more but a lonely headphone. Lifted her skirt and inserted the plug in between her right thigh. Bleeding profusely. Nothing fancy about it. Slid her finger to the flow of blood upwards slowly. She sighed. Aimed her bloodied finger at her mouth and licked it while it drips. Back and forth, up and down. She sucked it like it was a shaft. Blowjob.
They saw her doing the nasty thing from afar. They knew something was amiss. What was she doing? Why is she alone? They walked towards her with intent and curiosity. To their horror they witnessed the deed and shrieked in panic. She bled on without a care in the world. She was satisfied. Stared at the people with wide eyes and indifference. She fainted soonafter with a smile.


The pink robots appeared again to annihilate the remaining forces of the Unicorn Defences. It was a terrible sight to behold. They began their onslaught on an unsuspecting old beaver who just visited the tea shop for breakfast.
'I hate beavers,' whispered one.
There was no hope of survival. Many of the evacuees now take comfort underneath the bunkers of Turtle Island where the counter-forces kept their guard at the heaviest. They were led by a giraffe woman who stuttered every single time she utters a word with a letter R. Nevertheless, every single one of them looked up to her as a symbol of hope and salvation, and she has been doing just that consistently.
Reconnaissance owls prowled the skies day by day in that island. Bomb scares were constantly imminent and the people were in persistent threat of danger. Anti-air mortars were mostly destroyed after the last battle with the vultures. Sea defences as well were constantly bombarded with underwater threat that included some of t…

Five alive

The armoured casing of the dynamic abstractness was showcased during the exhibition. There was no other competition other than a few petty challengers who wished to pay tribute to nostalgia; it was not even worthy of mention.
Five canvases were rolled neatly into the walled cement. These were the ideals they were looking after and looking out for. There was a distinction between these two opposing marks.
One was of the contemporary sort. Au naturel. Not much going on except the obvious. There was no apparent flaw except everything and nothing. There was no right and there was no wrong. Anything made everything godly repulsive. The paradox of creation, which in itself is the essence of life.
The second was more attractive in terms of attention to detail. The Spanish dilemma. El conquistador. The one that got away. The thing that kept the fire burning, and due to that burned on in itself. It brought demise upon its own with its unflattering wave of tensions that were a bit too much for its…

Get up, stand up

White morning with the snow still up for grabs a window away. My fingers still are hypothermic. I have this sense of urgency to sleep all day for reason none other than being lazy. Listening to music as per usual, eating unhealthy, heavy on calories, carbohydrate-driven pastes. Eggs are a giveaway, protein to nurture my strength. The glowing power of growing. My humble abode is still in a laughable mess. I need to stay away from you. You are part of the reason for treason. Treasons for no reason. The reason for no reason. Lazy without a cause. It's time for all the wrong reasons.

"So.. who was phone?"

It ended with a hiccup and slowly dissipated into the blanched air. Normally I don't ever agree on starting paragraphs with 'it' because it is connotative of something unprepared and half-loved. And half-loved to me is half-hated as well so that sums it up. The journey we had undertaken from the first week up to this has not been quite up to par as to my expectations but it does not mean I am not pleased. For a lack of a better term, I am still hungry for detail. My improvements are steady but not consistent. My potential is questionable. My skills are arguable. My overall chemistry with the people is bland. My overall chemistry with the space is fair. My overall chemistry with my mentors are lacklustre but not distressful. My communication methods are horrendous, which, by the way, always leaves me hanging by the end of each session gripping away with regrets and anxiety scorning myself and torturing deep into the masochistic nature of my ego. I no longer feel the urge to…