I struggle even with the simplest of things. I find it difficult to follow simple arithmetic. I am highly instinctive and my instincts are usually selfish, what is outside of its realm deserves no gratitude of any sort. I am not without common sense though, but sometimes I feel that with me being this pretentious, it feels as though what I pretend moulds into what I become, nasty as it may be, and I lost it all, every simple matters and treasures I have had. Relationships, opportunities, money, career, any materialistic possessions I could have had.
Looking back at things there certainly were moments where I felt life took its own detour. Early retirement, the 'restaurant' (if they insist), the home incident, London aspirations, nurses and failure debarment, independence, up to this point, none of it were as painful as trying to remember the incident before it all happened. The blissful everyday life routine, the fresh scent of pigeons in the morning underneath our mango tree, the cemented tree house, the home office, everything. It was lightyears more painful than anything else, because I know for a fact I will not be able to take back all those simple things. Everything is much, much more complicated now. The dilemma between the yes or no will haunt me for the rest of my life. It never is a simple task, never will be. So where have all the simple things gone?
Perhaps heaven is as simple as it sounds.