Maitre d'

It is quite a conundrum for me to think about the events happening now in realtime whenever I sell myself short in dealing with my emotions thinking of Ainhoa. All day, even at night, I keep wanting to do something else, but my head keeps going back to thoughts of her as a distraction, dreaming of that fantastical few minutes with the fabled lady of my desire, so eventually wanting to do anything else just becomes somewhat impertinent, because it is. What a beautiful mess it is when she lives inside my head rent-free, because I feel like this is all that matters in the grand scheme of things; I can play as a matador in this bullgame, or I don't and spend the rest of my days here in bullshit. Her hesitance to commit to a single meeting drives the screw inside my head loose. Soonafter I no longer have the urge to do anything that does not have connection or relation to her, but I have to, to keep my mind off of things, and it is not as if she is not really busy. I do believe that she is, but...

It becomes a complex anomaly, a matter of dispute, when we discuss the purpose of my visit here in Gran Canaria now. Would that I were more tactful if I had to simply avoid mentioning ever wanting to see her in the flesh. But I do, and I really, really do. Moreso than the sun wants to meet another star. How lonely would it be for a star such as the sun to be the centre of our system and yet be so torturously alone? I have strong and personal feelings towards this sunlit woman. She means more to me than so many actual human beings I have held in my arms before, and I have to discover whether or not these feelings I harbour are completely substantiated with evidential potential even despite absent reciprocity. I mean it, from the bottom of my heart and soul. If one strips me down to my feelings in its very essential components, one may find it littered with broken pieces of her reflection. This meeting with her, I imagine, would be foolish to want to expect romantic butterflies and sexual conquests immediately upon its engagement, that is most definitely not the goal here, although a welcome one, admittedly. Alas, my intention is purely noble, the main thing here is that I do want to get that sort of feeling of familiarity finally becoming a tangible reality. To understand who we are, not only in animistic terms, but also to get a sense of what we are in physical terms, and maybe where we are at this point (I feel the latter is a bit too provocative to discuss still here at this very moment in time). The essence of what I hope is our enduring bond was the connection we have as two souls interlinked, hopefully intertwined. And although she may not share the same spark she does for me as I do for her, and I respect that, and to go about this blindly as it stands, even if the outcome would be preferable, I will be haunted by images of losing her to someone who does if I  let this wound continue to fester. So why let the momentum die down? This is the essence of my reasoning in coming here to visit. The very thing about me is that I never want to waste away a good thing that comes my way, and time is of the essence, so I am striking whilst the iron is hot. We have known each other close to a year now, so not exactly a crash landing as one would assume. Ainhoa is a woman of greatest value, of highest worth, of tallest order. To me, the time is nigh, because personally I do not believe I am asking for much of anything here in this endeavour, and she might feel the complete opposite. Perhaps it might seem that way from an outsider's perspective, but no. The truth is all the same as I have told her before.

The long con here is going to be the agony of the maitre d'.  I wait and I wait in vain. That one moment to etch in my memory forevermore. Some old good memories. I would be lying if I said it does not hurt to not know, because it does hurt a lot. I lose an ounce of coronary every minute of the time not knowing anything for certain. It just screams out murder. I am scared of going back to London with nothing to show for it, after not having seen Ani, and have that image loom in the background everyday, punching my head over and over and over again. This whole excursion would be a massive and colossal failure. But none of us should ever apologise for anything. I imposed it upon her, and clearly at the worst timing I could possibly have allowed it to. Sometimes I do wish serendipity would allow this moment to collide; no plans, just causality. Being submerged in dreams and fantasy is all I can do until those days come, days uncertain will ever come still. Let a man hope.

Sometimes I stare at my phone lost in reverie whenever I need a reason to smile. I prefer to smile because I finally held hers with mine own eyes,