If not love enduring

Throwing my money shot to whoever wants to catch it. I suppose it is a price to pay in order to counterbalance the big anomaly. Today was a hard pill to swallow. Two ta-das straight and I am feeling somewhat rejuvenated. One before sleep and one again after waking up. The weather was unwell, very unrepresentative of what I know of the island so far. Feels like I have acclimated, and then the next thing you know we are back to English breeze. I fear for the unknown of the morrow.

There is an awful lot of crap to deal with from the get-go. I woke up to the accidental discovery of hospital call. An immediate need to remind me of trouble brewing in paradise, and insofar as I am aware, this inherent stubbornness for me to accept this discovery is due to my capacity to give two fucks about overlapping conundrums. Were I to be more receptive about the goings-on, I would be the most altruistic piece of shit known to man, and yet, I clearly am not ready for this news. Immediately informed my sister of the need, and she took some time to be radio silent, but when she did, I almost burst into tears. She would disown me as a brother if she knew how I truly feel about this shittery that is happening now. The pains stay the same with each passing day. Pray not compound one with another, por favor.

After a time of lack of communication, I had given my mother a call as my sister had instructed. It had been a long time coming; she had metamorphosised into a wallflower from within her hospital confines, frail and bedridden. It was not an awkward interaction. We have always been quite tepid with each other, and this was no exception. I had given her a quick update with my situation, leaving her in stitches worrying about home. There really is nothing to fear. She is the immediate concern, not our living conditions. That can easily be remedied, regardless of what we destroy or lose. Material possessions mean so very little. Her life is more of a priority over everything else. She does not see it the same way as I do, as we do. I can sense the fatigue in her, and it is excruciating to endure, because I know I would have done the same.

Tomorrow is very important to me, not so much for the others, and that is okay. So long as I get that same opportunity. Perhaps I can sway a favour towards my direction; unlikely, but you never know. Maybe not, I still cling to the hope it would change for us for the better. The beginning of something new and wonderful. Would that not be the most acceptable turn of events? It is a long road to traverse, even more distant than the camino, but I can convince myself it is okay if the other party wills it. Sometimes it just feels to me as if others see this a business transaction while I view this as a big fat deal as I hoped it would be. I want this to be the best thing that has ever happened in my life, but it is not up to me in the long run. I could have faltered already as badly as months ago and failed to see the red flags. To be a prisoner of my hopes and dreams is a cruel task to fulfil. If only I had a behelit so I could just take these all in without lubrication and one day reduce everything I ever cared for to ashes in retaliation with a snap of a finger and be reborn as a godhand. What is pain if not love enduring? The lack of emotion is not strictly speaking the absence of pain. What it is is an interjection of respite. I have none of those at this particular in time. Perhaps all this rest is just a prelude to something more sinister, who really knows for sure? In any case, I am finding it all quite poetic, and that is more than enough, I suppose. It would not land me anything substantial, but at the very least this has turned out to be quite a surreal moment for myself. Not profound, just fine. Tomorrow I wish it to be special, but it remains a tall task knowing what I know and what I do not.

Must I surrender everything else for the whim of my morrow? Or must I worry mine own path towards self-transcendence? My soul is fickle and fragile. There is not a lot to make it tickle, but here I am still... waiting for that special brew of infusion that might change everything on a single stroke. Heavens, hear my call!