Skip to main content

Slander and discord

The mule held no authority on this given day, everything seemed unbelievably flawless until then.

By the time the curtains opened up for the audience everything seemed translucently clear: my failure was inevitable, my suffering inglorious. What I have foreseen at that particular moment crushed my inner core as if lifeless and all the while frail. My resolve was uncanny but could no longer withstand the ill treatment of indifference from the talentless freaks that accompanied my every step. It is not as if I depend on them on things, but it is really not making things all the more better. I first walked into the studios with wild intentions to succeed and procreate neat ideas for the development of my soul soup. Call me weak and a coward I can deal with that, but frankly my resolve lies somewhere different now. Better divert my senses into somewhere rational in advance than deal with the scrutiny in the future. I besmirch my own potential with my monochromatic imagination. An embarrassment to my pride and even to the dedication and trust given to me by the ones who gave me breath, and to think I had to grind tooth and nail up my own ass just to stand up for my own humanity, or whatever is left of it.

My talents, if I ever had one, waver like charred paper blown off a cliff, never going to see the light of day again. I cower behind the guise of a grin as I normally do on mild occasions, gritting my teeth soonafter. Not a tear or sweat dripped from my head, not a particularly good sign if I was to be asked. Setting fire to the rain is not exactly my God-given gift. I watched my own body quiver in shame, beatboxing in thin air, claws scratching my nose unaware that it starts to bleed and form scratches. The beat slowed down without momentum, it just did. It wasn't supposed to be that way either.

I woke up from the reverie with intentions of kicking it up a notch. The mule was absent in my eyes even though she was up to her own scheming ways once again. Just as Madonna fainted to the ground the beating hearts of loons began to echo throughout the wide-open space. I instigated everything, everyone was taking my lead for once but no one seemed to bother anyway. It was a slight provocation to the mockery, a mercy shot. My built up body bent like hard metal on a hard canvas. Dazed and afloat, I swam like a goose back into my reverie without a care in the world. Everything is different once more and that was going to be the end of that. I slowly close my eyes and opened it immediately once more, a runner taken away from the tracks is what I felt at that curious moment. Disgruntled all the more, the failures walked up and began piling up like pillows of bricks. Not a single reaction from the audience was felt, I did not even bother checking at that moment, that event was preposterous and redundant.

I wanted to hide my face in utter shame and I'm not even shy.

Everyone posed for the flashes but to no avail. The verdict was settled. My head can't even look at the mentors straight in the eye. My own were fixed to the ground, on my own toes, clinching my fist wanting to smash someone else's. There it was. The torturous soothing words of reconciliation. I need not hear such mockery. I intend to want to hear the hearted truth, not the rubbish, 'good', 'great', and 'wonderful'. Those words are as ubiquitous as my self-pity, heeding them actually leads to nowhere.

Wanting to shed a tear to the mockery, chaos once again erupted after the resolution and post-thematic group sequences. Left for dead in the corner the selfish, mindless zombies pushed forth with their brain-eating pomposities. 'I want this,' 'I want that,' 'you're wrong,' and the worst of all, 'that's a bad idea.'

I listened to the market-like banter echo back and forth waiting for someone, anyone, to ask me an opportunity to work with them. None received.

Walked home empty-handed stuck with the frustration of having to deal with both myself and a handful of twitchy buffoons. At least there love awaited for me in the form of Danish salami.

Popular posts from this blog

And then...

Four hours and ticking and I cannot seem to be copacetic to the privacy of her suspicious absence. How could I be when frightening tremors had shook their country just earlier today? It has been quite common to read about earthquakes rocking Italy recently, and the more these events take place, the more people feel less surprised about the fatalities. At the moment, I can sit on this chair being bothered by Starbucks personnel every half an hour or so, waiting for updates of Miriam's whereabouts. Surely she would be safe. I suppose my fears always come back to bite me in my arse. This is a farcry from mine fears. Far be it from the truth, I will not let it tear me asunder. She will be back to me soon enough, and then it would not take long before she will be in my arms, singing praises of our love, beneath the starry sky and our duvet. There is this unusual feeling of dread knowing that tomorrow I will be once again immersed into a job that I do not love; a return to form; of bei…

Strange Fruit

I had recently adorned a vow of silence for myself with Miriam for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to suit my whim, and, regardless of the pettiness associated with this misdemeanour, I pray this will only strengthen us both in spirit for the coming days. The coming days are definitely not meant for one such as me.
In the next few hours, not shortly before I am done with this piece, this vow will be disavowed. Miriam is sleeping soundly in my right, broken by the exhaustion that seemed to catch her unaware. This was not what she had prepared for when coming to London. This was not what I meant for her when I asked her to come. In order to alleviate the guilt of me making it more difficult for us both, I do what it is that I do best, and that is to love her hungrily and wildly. And some little bit of swag on the side to cure her state of frustration albeit temporarily.
My days are long and yet wields very little. For now I do and take whatever I can, whenever I can. A grand f…

Uff

Call it a burning desire to urinate on the system that we as people have established; status quo. Felt a huge fluctuation of anxiety when I finished this day earlier than what I would have thought or expected, and it was technically my first day of job (again), and huge surges of this same rhetoric came pouring back in when Miriam and I have not been having proper back-and-forths since yesterday. It was as if we had lost interest with one another just like that. Either that or I have been consumed by the same system of dependency. The bug that I caught long ago that ruined me to smithereens.
The long-winding hours, that which I felt was necessary, was to be a time of reprieve and a time to catch breath. It turned out to be much more toxic that it should be, and it came to pass faster than it should and I now feel poisoned and abused by the thought of having allowed this in the first place. Tomorrow is what I would consider a real test of my endurance, when I work from seven in the mo…