It has been the most awkward of months since my birthday a few weeks ago. Left home when nothing else was in tow for me. Everyone else around me seemed to give up, and I was left to fend for my own against the harsh jungles of urban England. Homeless is not a word I am unfamiliar with, or even comfortable with, but here I am, a month later, just that.
A few days deprived of a good night's rest. I have lost more of my possessions than I am in procuring them, and I have not enough resources to make do with what I have. This is not like one of my spiritual gallivantings where I go walk towards the deeper yonders of neverwhere. I now am stuck to rot in London trying to survive against every single thing and one. Time is long, work is scarce -- ergo money is scarce as well -- but when work does come it is miserably torturous, where in the aftermath of a single shift deprives you of all the joys in your system. It is all fried and fucked up. Like the people and colleagues around me. Friends, they who come and go. They who go more than they come. Everything is very in the moment, very precise, efficient. So beyond my realm of jurisdiction. While my situation right now is shittier than I would admit, I would dare say it is not all that miserable, to be perfectly honest. To an outside eye looking in, it may be so, and my laurels may take time to tidy up, or my hair perpetually unkempt, but all in all life goes on regardless of the circumstances. Apocalypse is nigh, but I feel fine.
So, in a month's time, if I still reach that point, I wish to be in a different place and different circumstance. It might not be the case. Over the past few weeks, I have been all over the place here in England, from London to Carlisle, from there to St. Bees then to Ennerdale. Fucked myself over a few days later, all bruised, knackered, pathetic. I had to run back to London to meet my fate. Lost it all in furious blunder. And now here I am.
King's Cross is my new home, temporarily or otherwise, and I will be damned if the next fury heading towards me takes me some place worse.