2:46 AM here. What am I doing? I have no fucking clue. What's my plan? I have no fucking clue. What am I waiting for? A miracle, that's what I'm waiting for. A goddamn miracle.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me in this city, and yet I clamour every single day for two months now. What it is that I am searching for I always tell Rina that it's destiny that I'm waiting for, bursting from the tip of my tongue and into my heart, to calm the nerves and to waver my suffering from this godawful situation. Like Johnny in Naked, I gallivant to allow the opportunity of life to pass me by, to give meaning to the bits and pieces of nothingness that surround not just me but everyone else around me. It's funny, sometimes I want to lean to God for guidance, but what can that do the reality of the situation. If it was meant to be, it's going to happen either way.
Will I ever hear from Mioseon again? I was watching old videos of us in Youtube. A ceremonious celebration of a bygone 'wedding' as we were traversing Inveroran in Scotland. Her palpable kiss and cold, tough face leaning on mine. Would I be burned to eternal damnation for wanting another chance at such rush of emotion? She no longer needs me now. I cannot for the life of me move on.
The sights and sounds and spirit of Christmas does very little to help. This angel has flown away from me. I should have clipped her wings and made all attempts to make it last an eternity. A lifetime of joy with the company of such beauty. Park Mioseon.
But no. Everything now is retarded from here on out. And I cry just a little.