It's no surprise that I, as a male human being, am hell bent on procrastinating to each and every little thing that goes on with my life seeing that there is no reason to be proper and trim if no one is there to care. Responsibility is one thing I am working out to improve in my lifestyle. It is also one thing that tears my life apart having that emotional pressure telling you things which you should or shouldn't do. Everyone knows I'm a little bit lackadaisical, and I admit that, in almost every aspect of my life. I'm lazy. Probably unattractive. No. Scratch that. The point is you wouldn't want to be me. I wouldn't want to be me.
Every time this topic pops up I always get cynical, forcing myself to think a significant companionship is overrated, that it just comes one day, that I need not be pressured by the anxiety of people surrounding me. But the thing I'm missing is when emotional woes strike. It just happens. It's normal. So I return to the cycle of cynicism. Either that or masturbation, which is just creepy for most lads, not to mention pathetic. That, my friends, is the basic conformist in an ideological setting.
I always had that silly impression that being denied by a woman would be the most devastating thing that could happen to a man. I still have that impression, I believe. That could explain my erratic reaction of my allergy to relationship. Two hours ago, I had a little taste of that with cherries on top, and, hell, it was just in-your-face deplorable. I was wrecked. Her 'sorry' just can't calm my broken heart. I've never felt so down in my life by a woman. I tried shrugging it off but the thoughts keep recurring, as if taunting and giggling by itself.
I went home empty-handed. Back to my mechanical allies, for which to mend my wasted existence, as usual.
Walking home I caught ear of Clementine's song 'Buhay o Pag-ibig' which translates to 'Life or Love'. The steps I took never felt so heavy and burdensome. If the icy, cool wind blowing my face wasn't painful enough you could say I was shedding a tear for this despair.
I've never disliked home in my entire stay here in London ever. I wanted to be out there, with that girl, if possible.
By the way, it's Friday night, for fuck's sake.