Skip to main content

I suck with wimminz.


It's no surprise that I, as a male human being, am hell bent on procrastinating to each and every little thing that goes on with my life seeing that there is no reason to be proper and trim if no one is there to care. Responsibility is one thing I am working out to improve in my lifestyle. It is also one thing that tears my life apart having that emotional pressure telling you things which you should or shouldn't do. Everyone knows I'm a little bit lackadaisical, and I admit that, in almost every aspect of my life. I'm lazy. Probably unattractive. No. Scratch that. The point is you wouldn't want to be me. I wouldn't want to be me.

Every time this topic pops up I always get cynical, forcing myself to think a significant companionship is overrated, that it just comes one day, that I need not be pressured by the anxiety of people surrounding me. But the thing I'm missing is when emotional woes strike. It just happens. It's normal. So I return to the cycle of cynicism. Either that or masturbation, which is just creepy for most lads, not to mention pathetic. That, my friends, is the basic conformist in an ideological setting.

I always had that silly impression that being denied by a woman would be the most devastating thing that could happen to a man. I still have that impression, I believe. That could explain my erratic reaction of my allergy to relationship. Two hours ago, I had a little taste of that with cherries on top, and, hell, it was just in-your-face deplorable. I was wrecked. Her 'sorry' just can't calm my broken heart. I've never felt so down in my life by a woman. I tried shrugging it off but the thoughts keep recurring, as if taunting and giggling by itself.

I went home empty-handed. Back to my mechanical allies, for which to mend my wasted existence, as usual.

Walking home I caught ear of Clementine's song 'Buhay o Pag-ibig' which translates to 'Life or Love'. The steps I took never felt so heavy and burdensome. If the icy, cool wind blowing my face wasn't painful enough you could say I was shedding a tear for this despair. 

I've never disliked home in my entire stay here in London ever. I wanted to be out there, with that girl, if possible.

By the way, it's Friday night, for fuck's sake.

Popular posts from this blog

And then...

Four hours and ticking and I cannot seem to be copacetic to the privacy of her suspicious absence. How could I be when frightening tremors had shook their country just earlier today? It has been quite common to read about earthquakes rocking Italy recently, and the more these events take place, the more people feel less surprised about the fatalities. At the moment, I can sit on this chair being bothered by Starbucks personnel every half an hour or so, waiting for updates of Miriam's whereabouts. Surely she would be safe. I suppose my fears always come back to bite me in my arse. This is a farcry from mine fears. Far be it from the truth, I will not let it tear me asunder. She will be back to me soon enough, and then it would not take long before she will be in my arms, singing praises of our love, beneath the starry sky and our duvet. There is this unusual feeling of dread knowing that tomorrow I will be once again immersed into a job that I do not love; a return to form; of bei…

Strange Fruit

I had recently adorned a vow of silence for myself with Miriam for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to suit my whim, and, regardless of the pettiness associated with this misdemeanour, I pray this will only strengthen us both in spirit for the coming days. The coming days are definitely not meant for one such as me.
In the next few hours, not shortly before I am done with this piece, this vow will be disavowed. Miriam is sleeping soundly in my right, broken by the exhaustion that seemed to catch her unaware. This was not what she had prepared for when coming to London. This was not what I meant for her when I asked her to come. In order to alleviate the guilt of me making it more difficult for us both, I do what it is that I do best, and that is to love her hungrily and wildly. And some little bit of swag on the side to cure her state of frustration albeit temporarily.
My days are long and yet wields very little. For now I do and take whatever I can, whenever I can. A grand f…

Uff

Call it a burning desire to urinate on the system that we as people have established; status quo. Felt a huge fluctuation of anxiety when I finished this day earlier than what I would have thought or expected, and it was technically my first day of job (again), and huge surges of this same rhetoric came pouring back in when Miriam and I have not been having proper back-and-forths since yesterday. It was as if we had lost interest with one another just like that. Either that or I have been consumed by the same system of dependency. The bug that I caught long ago that ruined me to smithereens.
The long-winding hours, that which I felt was necessary, was to be a time of reprieve and a time to catch breath. It turned out to be much more toxic that it should be, and it came to pass faster than it should and I now feel poisoned and abused by the thought of having allowed this in the first place. Tomorrow is what I would consider a real test of my endurance, when I work from seven in the mo…