It has been quite awhile since I last became heavily acquainted with matters pertaining to religion that I feel rather shamed of my actions. Nevertheless, I have always openly expressed my doubts to anything as extravagant as this topic. I consider myself an advocate of Objectivism thus rendering me in some ways a semi-atheist, involving myself in discussions that require faithful Christians to defend themselves and their belief. Semi in terms like wanting to but cannot. Convince me otherwise and maybe then we may come to terms.
One could make assumptions of my past as being a close and intimate associate of Catholicism being a knight of the altar during my school age, attending seminars that demand faithfulness to the Creator, together with my mother, who as I recently discovered is not only terribly misinformed of religion but also highly troubled as to the direction of her vow of faith. I was also lucky enough to go to Vatican, Rome seven years ago because of my affiliations, visiting sacred landmarks some may deem unfit for a man of my stature. Having stood tall across basilicas of Peter and Paul, catacombs in which early Christians cowered in fear for standing up for what they believe in, the Ice Stadium where our congress was held, meeting in plain eyes a living saint in Chiara Lubich, and having to spend an entire day playing, eating and making friends at St. Angelo's castle, where previous popes made slumber.
However, none of which made any impact to my own personal faith. It was mesmerizing and as per one would react be filled with awe. Perhaps I failed to grasp the purposiveness of it all. It felt numb. Nothing would make any sense.
Yet here I am clinging, hoping, trying to believe, in order to disassociate myself as a heretic and a blasphemer, at the same time without any feelings to back up to persevere this process of thought.
Give me a sign, give me something so that I may choose one from the other. If I should or shouldn't believe then give me any hint. I will gladly accept anything as long as the answer is authentic, precise and makes none of that 'just faith' bullcrap.