Loving Ani

The niceness is a welcome stray, a wooly feline looking for a warm spot to scratch itself on. Almost like a raging need to participate in the human nature of everythingness. It forms as a social consequence of being in a tandem, or a group of more than three, and in any objective plurality. It could be measured by the desire for an absence of a certain something or longing, or neatly by chance, or a compulsive necessity for survival. 

Right now I am massively burdened by the tugging of strings in many worldly directions. I feel like an active participant to something greater and relevant. It feels to me like for the first time in my life I can actually do real change if I only learn how to harness this, but at the same time is it really much of a necessity for what I need for myself and others near and dear to me right now? I cannot be compelled by my own personal delusions any longer. The dubiousnessf my own sense of self-importance is an impending futility that must needs be taken into consideration. Perhaps I no longer have any desire for a purpose, and perhaps that does not necessarily have to be a bad thing, and that perhaps this surrender is no longer a bad thing. Everyone walks away from something at many points in their lives. Running away does not necessarily have to mean giving up, it can very well just be an itch, or turn out to be the very cure in itself. My week-long experience of Turkey has taught me the important value of self-fulfilment. We are who we do we are.

Going back home will be quite daunting. Acclimating back to the routine of work and every day will be severely underwhelming knowing what I know now (not that it has not already been before). It has always been the case after every trip I have had recently, but now with this and knowing this I bring with me a massive newfound opportunity, a potentiality, for something greater and more meaningful, but also very challenging. A bearing that I was hoping for in my previous excursions that I thought took a massive downturn. Should I ever lose this, I have no backup plans in tow. If it break me apart wide open remains to be seen. Every single thing that came before this pales in comparison. The closest thing that came remotely near to this feeling ended up in a collossal fuckup that needed to be neutered almost intantaneously, and pray that that nightmare provides for me a leash to hold myself accountable for all my actions and misdeeds in the past and move on and find a parable in it instead. Somehow I cannot shake the feeling that this could possibly the be all and end all. I understand it is not, but if I do not set myself up to a certain standards that I impose on myself and enact failure still upon it, then there is no reason for me to keep on keeping on. This is a self-imposed last resort. It is high time to plant my greed to the ground and allow it to run freely in conjunction with my hopes and dreams, because while the former is laced with negative connotations, the latter allows it all to be held at bay.

Right now all my thoughts are drawn to the realm of materialising things I have never in my life held with greater importance until now. These things have mostly been sorted out by itself, or by others, family or professional help. In this context, I realise I really have no inkling as to what I am doing, merely holding myself at a pedestal that I myself would never be able to live up to. I just sling shit to the wall and work with the debris of what is left stuck to the verticality of it. I sometimes wish I could earn more money as I should, especially now, wanting to materialise the concept of a familial bond. An actual real one rather than a simple sleight of hand. Maybe sometimes I do delude myself. The air is merely open to the possibility. It is not the emphasiser of the ultimate plan. Ani is finally back home now where she contemplates the possibility of a wider berth of our newly constructed relationship. One that was truly borne of effort rather than it being a transactional endeavour (which we have argued in the past about the idea of it being one because it is most certainly not). The sincerity of her dramatis persona and the palpable sense of humanity within her is very liberating. I do not for a second believe it to be a performance for the ages. This is real, despite the noise and alleged red flags. There are no such things as red flags. You cannot trust an individual judgement of anything because life will always retain an element of surprise, but to that point the odds are more likely to be leaning on a massive disappoiintment due to the element of human frailty. There really needs to be a kind of perhaps a software that can constantly performed a detailed scan of our performance as a singular entity. About who we are and what we are and the have beens. A multi-layered log of our everythingness down to the minutiae of our overrated and ultimately unimportant existence.

There is a voice in my head telling me to be the best version of what I can be. But that is always going to be the case. Plus it only happens when I am most inspired, A rather uninteresting take knowing that I can lose this will over and over again despite the subconscious desire to be sublime. A deep irony to my namesake. A kind of surpise to ponder upon akin to water and wind losing to fire and earth. How on earth could that possibly even happen? One would easily think that water would always win over fire, but fire too can be persistent and ever so wild, whereas water can also be vulnerable and prone to being overcome. It is a matter of strength in size and volume and whoever strikes first. Fire can kill water through evaporation. Makes you wonder if a star that is of equal size and shape of the sun with equal parts of the duality would cancel both out depending on the method of execution.

Living up to my own standards now has left me playing the part in constant motion. It just no longer is a possibility to take things in stride, to take things for granted, to be complacent and disregardful, to be incessantly selfish, filled to the brim with ego and desire. Right now the collective must needs be the prio. There do remain inside me a desire to improve, but that in itself will remain a question mark so long as I retain a performative act. I should also cease any and every opportunity to just while away the finances while we are at it. Long-term goals was never something I cooked up in the cards, but it is now a distinct must. Oh how funny I imagine it to be. To be so very late with it as well. Monkey see, monkey do. The sunsets Ani and I spent this week pouring our decanters of passion remind me of the ever-going struggle that I have endured in my life and how sweet it is to finally be able to laugh at my expense knowing that the world owes me nothing and still I cling to it to give me my fucking slice of cake. It would be reminiscent of a first-world opinion of what it feels like to hear of a war-torn land seeking aid from foreign dignitaries. I am simply appalled by the lack of care, of soft sympathies we share with the less fortunate. I look at what is happening to conflict-aimed places in the world and realise that we will never share a unified peace, only a taste of it, if lucky. This, where I am now, in a metaphorical sense, is the best we can do as a collective, and I am for sure certain that it will only get worse from here on out. If only I could carry with me my ties to personal finances and slowly invest it mostly to a differently locale vastly cheaper and retain that same kind of high value as it does due to economical reasons. In this way I can take an advantage on the things that I also find somewhat disturbing. In a sense I have to trample on the backs of others to be able to gain a slighter advantage, Better them than me, right? Or so you tell yourself. It is very important to be self-aware and conscious of my limitations as I have told Ani, right before our intense penultimate heart-to-heart.

Right now I am literally sitting on top of Romania, gathering a moment to imbibe some sense of normalcy, having predetermined anxiety overcome me once again, which I once thought merely existed as a response to the looking forward to, I am no longer being held hostage by the immediate days relative to now, but I do fret about the further years, and it scares me so intensely that maybe perhaps it would benefit me to be so unnerving and callous and angry once again, and that I would give the naysayers my what-ifs in a heartbeat just to succeed in this endeavour. I would graze every single thing to the ground, scorched earth, vanilla coated big time styley.