All Me Zombie

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I failed her. Yet again. And now I am afeared all may be forever lost, for the second time for me now.

Could not sleep. Thoughts flood my mind like a crashing wave, each sharper than the one previous. It hasn't been that long, but every minute already feels like a ten-tonne truck pounding on my membrane, waiting for solutions and answers, wanting regrets and misery to pass me by. There is no passing by with this. Not anymore. Miriam is gone. I think it's for good this time.

I did something earlier today that I never would have done if it were otherwise. To open old wounds, not right now, I thought, but, I said to myself, to hell with it. It had been quite a long time, so I searched for Mioseon in Facebook hoping to peek at how her life had fared since we parted. At the beginning, I would have reckoned she would use the nom-de-plume that she previously used to totally distance herself from me, I suppose. A shame. Meeting Miriam had made me lose thoughts of her completely until today. Today was a ginormous disaster, no doubt, and it seemed a prime time to rekindle my longstanding depression of the highest order. Therefore, it was of great surprise for me to find out that she had been married to someone a few months back. I was taken aback by how I reacted to it initially. I was actually happy for her, and then the happiness turned sour slowly, and then it faded to black.

The same thing is happening with Miriam right now. But definitely not as tragic, as drastic, as dangerous. I teetered on the brink of insanity. Part of that insanity came rushing back to me today, as my final confrontation with Miriam erupted. I failed her. I held my ground when I told myself at the outset of this relationship NEVER to do it. It doomed a promising life for me. Yet I survived throughout all of that. It took a long, long time, but I did it. It took Miriam to pull me back up, yes, but... what happens to me now? Move on once again. Move on and carry on, keep calm. A mantra for zombies of the new age. I do not want to move on. I did not want it to end up like this.

Now I am lost. Miriam gave me vision to a life blinded by rage, regret, pride, and a crooked tongue.

I need her back.

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