Where we are when we think we are there as opposed to where we actually are and why we want that to be

Both me and Miriam have now leveled up our lives a bit better and, let's just say, more economically stable than ever. I can not help but wonder though at what cost all of this is to our lives and will it all be worth it? The only reasonable explanation as to why I drove Miriam into this insanity was my own selfish desire for a better life for both of us, although there are times when I truly doubt my very own self-worth.

I despise how this all came about, though to be sure, I am very thankful for the opportunity. It had been a rough patch for us both due to my incapability to provide my share of responsibilities in this relationship. Miriam is hard carrying us both for almost since she came here, and if it were someone else, I would have surely found myself kissing dust once more at a bushy hedge at Hyde Park, away from the prying eyes of the judgemental and temperamental hoi polloi and the likes. To think that most of the issues that plague me at most workplaces I have been terminated too frequently is due to my impulsive rage even when I never ever show much of the emotions that I used to have. For the past two days I keep thinking if it was ever a good idea to pluck her from the comfort zone and a workplace she has finally acclimated and established a good amount of rapport for herself and others. Oh, the possibilities of a hypothetical and all its endless disarrays and dysfunctions.

I have indeed been a massive twat, but the fruits of our labour will hopefully make me think otherwise. Truth be told, I haven't been this responsible (despite old habits taking a while longer to subside) in forever, but I do it out of love and respect for someone whom I would gladly be in favour of providing a splendid future for, together with me even, if willing and able to bear the penalties of my candid frailty. We will both have to march on eventually anyway. My only gripe is that I wanted her to develop her own standards within her own capacities, for the same reason I want me and her to preferably be not in the same workplace out of the kindness and expectation that I will be the great mediator of whatever bullshit pops up for her, because as much as I favour that assumption, I will never ever be that messianic presence in her that can solve her dilemmas and be the prince that constantly sweeps her feet day in and day out. In fact, I would reckon seeing each other would be detrimental to our union, which makes sense, even though she had made it clear last night it was not going to be the case. Still, I do not ever wish to be bothered by such frivolous thoughts. It demeans the value of the effort that I put through and the dedication that she has inspired me to do this. She will always and forever be a great heroine to me, the kind of which the books will never tell.

Half an hour left before she finishes, and I know for a fact she is dead tired since yesterday. It might even have been a failure of a first day of work for her sadly due to the stress that I may have inadvertently caused her myself. An utter shame, clearly, but, still, I digress. The consequences of any of my own faults are as fickle as the thought of the earlier hypothetical. It is most definitely a losing battle, and one can only ever hope for the best. We will march on once more tomorrow, and the next day, and the days after those. What would even be more of a shame is if I fail even in this, even when the ultimate inspiration for me to suck up my pride. A dreadful thought. I have been awfully pessimistic ever since that fucking DBS check for a work-related experience. Sometimes I just want to lay low and disappear, in a thick mist of fog, never thinking nor feeling. Total discretion.

Perhaps I have grown emotionally. The healed relationship with my mother, even though I am not of the mindset yet to completely forgive. The attempts of me to renew my goals and personal comebacks were only made possible by a surge of multiple concentrated energy sources housed within a single human being. I will do my part from here on out.