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Me: At ease, the worst of the worst has yet to come

The wind was cold today, a Sunday, a proper start to September. We are within these months again. The road to the end of a very short year. A year for me where very little was accomplished. At the very least, compared to the previous one, this was a surprise blessing. Not without its challenges. Not without its pains.

Miriam went to work an hour ago. We left each other at Starbucks after a mild break. I was trying to help her with the buses. She never seems to catch on with the intricacies of the public transportation. I let her know that the easiest (not necessarily the fastest) way to work is to take the 260 bus from across the street in our new place in East Acton and stop at the underground station in Shepherds Bush. From there, she can then take bus 94 going to Piccadilly Circus where she can easily walk to her workplace in Soho in about five minutes or so.

She begged me to join her. I was still groggy and asleep at two in the afternoon. That seems to be our common waking up patterns recently. She felt heavier than usual (I would never dare tell her that)and had a fit of coughs that bothered her throughout the night. I only fear it had something to do with the sudden onset of itchiness that permeated on her arms and legs. It has been our life's greatest mystery ever since it came along. The how and the why of it, we can't seem to find an answer for it. The best thing I can do for my part is to wait and see how it develops, and, if necessary, deal with it appropriately when the right opportunity comes.

I do not like staying in public. I haven't done this in a very long time, ever since Miriam arrived in December last year. I mostly kept to myself at home if not at work, and there was hardly any work. Both Miriam and my mother kept telling me the same bullshit about work, but all they offer me is either a lifelong prison or another utter disappointment in waiting. I plan to bide my time. I know I have been hot garbage. I will always be hot garbage.

Sometimes I think about my experiences last year and if I would ever be back in that position. To move from place to place and shoplift day by day to survive this urban jungle. I wanted to be alone, far and away from this madness, but I feared so much for myself. I was in the lowest of low, sure, but I did not want to die. In fact, I strived in it, made it my own. And I look back now thinking it was the worst shit ever. But it wasn't. I do wonder, if Miriam one day ups and aways, then I would be back in the same place and I wouldn't think of it a bad thing. All I would lose are my online subscriptions, but I have already lost it before. Back with the snot-nosed father who was more of a manchild than me who left me to be in that predicament in the first place. I would welcome that challenge hesitantly, but I am ready to accept it as an alternative if all else fails.

There are even days when I look at it and wonder if I can go through the same pains as it stands. Would I be able to tell Miriam that this is actually rather important to me. I could never make her understand. I would never make any sense anyway. The piercing wind will drown me at night, taking all that is near and dear to me, but it also teaches me a lot of things, reminds me of what I have already lost, of the things that I need to remember. My anger, my frustrations, my insecurities, my failures, the what-could-have-beens. Things that could have been me, now gone. The sheer cold has consumed it all.


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