Saturday, 14 February 2015

Valentine's, again

I keep having Elvin Bishop's Fooled Around and Fell in Love on repeat in my head all morning. It's like an infection that can't seem to go. I gave in to the temptation and have it played on Youtube as I write this.

There is only one person that comes to mind when I think of that song. It's not a pretty memory though; it's something that I try to disassociate myself with every day. If all else fails, perhaps a lobotomy could be of assistance. Nothing good could come of heartbreak. It's only heightened by the fact that today is the worse day of all, knowing that that person could be spending it with someone else. It's not the only day I've thought about this. Times change and it might be different, or it might not be. What I do know is that I've never been the same since then. Probably not ever.

It's been more than a year or so. I've been stranded in this room for the same duration since then, a hikikomori, just like I've always feared. But without any income and support, it's all been shoving and not a lot of pushing. There is no joy in my life today except the thoughts of tomorrow. Not being able to afford myself a vice is a worthy adversary in life every one should experience at least once. It feels like I've been stealing in my own home; food, shelter, space, even the air we breathe. The assholes that live here are nothing but systematic drones moving towards the inevitable. There is only misery and pain, denial, self-loathing.

I need to leave this place and soon.

My birthday is coming up a month from now. If I can just squeeze myself out of this spot -- I'll disappear forever. Complete detachment from the terrible circumstance of today, finally rid myself of the confines of personal relationships and familial bullshit. It's a total mockery of the word family. Like a piece of meat being thrown around at a kennel.

The weather's been kind to us lately. It should be high time to say goodbye. Thank fucking god the old hag left a coat for me to wear, now all I need are some trousers. No good deed goes unblemished. The heartseekers of the world today unite, and let me be part of that circle again.

Search and destroy