Skip to main content

Cecil III: Everybody's messed up, I know, but there's no reason not to make life better

Cecil has had too much laziness for a single lifetime. Laziness of the utmost insignificance. To endure such a gruelling fate is laughably pathetic, and Cecil is all of it and more.

His green and soiled toothbrush loiters beside the LED monitor unattended. His used blue kitchenwares have been  left there and forgotten while a bottle of sparkling drink stares at the fork with utter dismay. There are two bottles of urine beside that bottle that are indistinguishable from each other, and may easily distract and fool bystanders into drinking it.

His mobile phone lies not far, jittery and shaken by the constant stream of messages and updates. Cena had been trying to contact him all day now for a favour. Cecil has always been aware of it, and yet he tries hard to avoid being condescending, so as not to bear her rude indecisiveness and unappreciative demeanour. Cena had been begging Cecil to stay, if only the idea was as easy as it seemed.

Cecil had been hiding from the world for the past couple of weeks now after the culmination of his failed attempt at heroism. He stands low and unstable, unable to cope with the sudden emptiness that surrounded him, and finds comfort as a recluse. There is this one plan he dreams on achieving. This is the one plan to leave it all behind.

And yet Cena still keeps on begging, her eyes bleeding red tears of make-believe. She waits right there with him, anticipating his every move and assisting him through the harshness of her experiences. There is this veil that she keeps, a veil that stood the test of time, the true symbol of her emotional promiscuity. This one veil is hers to use, and it deceives the witness into thinking her weakness makes her more sympathetic as a character. In actuality, her weakness is despicable and vile, feeding off on others' trust and sympathy. A sympathetic succubus, a veil of loathing and revulsion, this she represents.

All day Cecil keeps on questioning the motive and comes up with poor excuses of his own, unintentionally causing to nurture a heinous dead weight. He just cannot seem to find a reason to be happy in his young adulthood. Everything just seems to find a way to fail and put lives down.

His mobile phone buzzes a familiar tone, and all he ever hoped to receive then for was change. That something should change according to what he deserves. The easy response would indicate that he simply deserves a little bit of love and affection. Everybody does. Everyone loves to remind each other that. He clutches the tiny gadget into his perfectly symmetric hand. He proceeds to unlock the device and explore the hidden pleasures from within. A short message pops up, and a smile begins to build from Cecil's face.

This person calls for his name, then proceeds to ask him if he wants to meet up some place for a pint or two and a round of chat, perhaps not long but to him it's an hour of companionship feels like an eternity of joy. His desperation throbs at the very thought, and he spent not too long before he said yes. He had to maintain that illusion of integrity, which he needed to absolve in order to move on. His pride may have kept him at bay, but this bay is rather depressing and a new view might help ease the tension.

'It would be nice to see you!' Jardina, the woman whom he admires, says, and then ends with a depressing, 'But no pressure, come only if you can.'

Cecil had to counter with a snide remark, not so snide as to offend Jardina but only to give her an impression that they both are comfortable with each other. She replies with a laugh. That is all he needed to read before his heart imploded at the rare moments of appreciation. Neglecting thoughts of Cena for awhile, he pampers himself for a bit, shower and unsanitary toothbrush both, before departing to recreate his smile.

The next day, Cecil finds himself complete and ready to face another set of disappointment. There had been numerous messages waiting for him on his mobile, all of which he expected to have positive outcomes. But unfortunately his disappointment has yet to begin once again. An endless cycle of waiting and a hopeless routine of butthurtry. He reminds himself of last night, satisfactorily to his taste, that left a mark on the palm of his right hand. Italy had just lost to Spain four to nothing, and the gringos made their presence felt all over town. There were short indulgent moments with random people; a homeback British KIA, women named Jen and Alexis, an Italian can't-remember-who. Finally a second bicycle trip on a dewy morning high with only his friend among the few, smiling and recycling old potty jokes to each other. Not bad for a single night of merriment and applause.

Cecil bids touché at the memory and moves on. Today, he meets Cena in a full-on offensive assault. His only life now revolves around the drama. His life reminds us that we are all byproducts of ressentiment.

Popular posts from this blog


Dark, darker, darkest, there is no difference. All hurts the same. Pain, everlasting, lingering. Pain, day and night. The hours are uncertain. Anything can happen now. Thinking about it hurts. Truth is unreliable. The romance is dead. My heart, it is lost. Unrecoverable, hateful, distrusting. Wishful, perhaps, but I have lost everything before and survived still. This one was special. So special. Embittered, the tip of my tongue tastes. The flavour of my life. Cuisine of kitchens unwanted. It burns, to the heart. I do not understand. I do not understand.

Me: Things that have happened to other people are happening in mine, the worst truly has come and not a moment too soon

My important wishes always happen to fall on deaf ears, and now something really, really bad (that has already happened before) is happening to me again. Beneath all the charade of misleading coulrotic bliss is a sad sap of a man merely wanting a bit of trust from everyone around him. Yesterday's news was Mioseon all over again, and it has drained me of all strength. The worst really has come, and heaven knows I'm miserable now.
So it goes without saying that the biggest tragedy I have ever undergone in my life is fighting for the life of my child whose face I will never see. The most perplexing event was having to beg over and over unknowingly oblivious to the fact that my words carry no weight at all. Mioseon had trapped me into a corner and made me complicit to a sin I tried very hard to disavow. Regardless, she had found a way, and judging from that experience, Miriam herself will submit me to the same torture all over again, guilty by association.
For some reason this wa…

Me: At ease, the worst of the worst has yet to come

The wind was cold today, a Sunday, a proper start to September. We are within these months again. The road to the end of a very short year. A year for me where very little was accomplished. At the very least, compared to the previous one, this was a surprise blessing. Not without its challenges. Not without its pains.
Miriam went to work an hour ago. We left each other at Starbucks after a mild break. I was trying to help her with the buses. She never seems to catch on with the intricacies of the public transportation. I let her know that the easiest (not necessarily the fastest) way to work is to take the 260 bus from across the street in our new place in East Acton and stop at the underground station in Shepherds Bush. From there, she can then take bus 94 going to Piccadilly Circus where she can easily walk to her workplace in Soho in about five minutes or so.
She begged me to join her. I was still groggy and asleep at two in the afternoon. That seems to be our common waking up pat…