No Fap October didn't go exactly as I planned. The depression hangover from yesterday still lingers and was supposed to be a good day too if not for some preconceived idea of hate and frustration. I did release some steam after not having one for a total of just three days, I think. It's not that I deeply regret what I did, I regret having lost the available flat that of Rosaline's. It was meant for me at the same time probably not. I plan on giving up everything except my responsibilities beginning Monday. Start a fresh new one that I oh so fully loathe doing. Rather have that than having none at all. This life toll is tearing me to shreds and I'm hanging on to whatever is trying to get a hold of me. I had my first full bath today having all the time in my hands, extremely bored as I was. It made me feel so buoyant in nature but the risk involved was in a way overwhelming my entire person as I was dipping myself into the tub. Air forces itself up on its own despite me not having covered in deep, forceful water. Part of it scared me and made me lose the grip of the risk involved and still I wanted part of it. It was like a test of mettle. Mine was long gone. Like someone told me my services are no longer required and I'm just in it for backdraft. Fuck you, chance.
Dark, darker, darkest, there is no difference. All hurts the same. Pain, everlasting, lingering. Pain, day and night. The hours are uncertain. Anything can happen now. Thinking about it hurts. Truth is unreliable. The romance is dead. My heart, it is lost. Unrecoverable, hateful, distrusting. Wishful, perhaps, but I have lost everything before and survived still. This one was special. So special. Embittered, the tip of my tongue tastes. The flavour of my life. Cuisine of kitchens unwanted. It burns, to the heart. I do not understand. I do not understand.