Bombaclarts Club

Everything was subtly tense that day, but the air did not betray any sort of omission. Kind of just got carried away by the feeling that somehow it could or could not be. Some of the boys from the day before had granted me a reaffirming copacetism that neither of those that surrounded me provided. so I suppose being thrown off a bus was an understandable and kinder gesture than what I would have hoped. There I was doing the menial things in the hours prior to thinking about being productive, knowing that I was being blamed for any lack of things thereof. Must have swollen that mentally paraplegic woman in bed with laughter once the news broke. Sitting down with a clown and and an assclown, I was presented with my keen reward. I suppose a warm thanks is in order.

For all the joys and the pains, the only thing that bothers me most is how quickly I remedy this. Not long after the busybody at home sniffs the dilemma, got me tongue-tied with nothing positive to share, and hoping for the best on the week ahead. Now is the week ahead. Now is the moment to rack my brain in and come up with some sort of beneficial outcome. Za has terrible nighttime procedures plaguing him and Ani both, so I gave her the advice to stopping hammering home the same nail and to try something fresh and new, although this is like giving advice to a still-wet painted wall. The only way to subvert her expectations is to express it tongue-in-cheek because, for better or worse, she remains the only reasonable human being in my embarrassingly tiny circle. My two options now happen to be hammering home the same nail or abandoning it completely for a far riskier outcome. How it ends would be anyone's guess. However hammering home the same nail has benefited me somehow in the short run, contrary to expectation. What worries me though is how to sustain it, because the last foray really twisted me mentally in terms of what I can actually do and what I have been able to accomplish for the last few years. None of these thoroughly explain how or why I am so terribly misinformed of my own capabilities and have I already hit a ceiling that I somehow cannot foresee. 

So the terrible decision needs to made in terms of sacrifice. I have to abstain from omitting the realities of this conundrum to Ani in order to appease the gluttonous reaction of her pain receptors. Her innocence was never meant to be abused or traumatised by this world, much more coming from me. The only reasonable thing that I can think of is to withhold all the other pain-bearing receptors unto myself and make me bear it. Bear it and stand it. No amount of reasoning or going in circles will have our honesties fix small sidequests like this in life, only burden it up with complexities. Truth is an agitator, the worst of its kind, and I will gladly bludgeon it with filthy untruths in order to bury it and hide it from the ones I love, because who gives a fuck?