Lazy from C-Z

So I was indeed easily caught by my flights of fancy after spiralling out of control. A massive and decisive victory for the unemployed. This journee to France has come to an abrupt end, everything haywire from the get-go. From the fitness side of it and my clearly aging thighs, and airport mishaps coupled with emotional blunders. Nothing had been going my way since the depart, Nantes has been a glorious host to my breakdowns, but also forever tainted by it.

"/But the feeling it tries to escape/ /Bleeds through the light even when I close my eyes/ /It is not seething the weight on this shoulder/ /I cannot wait to chase the fiction home and carry on/ /Favours in reverse songs are unrehearsed/ /When I get through this I hope I get through you/ /Stains on my mind the cloud on that hour/ /The minute you closed the door my eyes washed the floor/ /It is hard to say but there seems to be no other way/ /You left and you were right so I have to let us down this time/ /Because I can't feel it no other way but down no other way but down/" ///Feelings (UDD)

I will always remember the face of the most beautiful boy born out of the most beautiful woman on the day of your birth. Your mother was mad that I left her to go home and rest because it was five in the morning, and at seven you started to show signs of coming out. Your mother was in so much distress and all I could do was stop and stare, hold her hand, and fight the good fight. And when you came out, you did not cry, you did not even bother entertaining us fools to worry. You were calm and collected. Now you are so proactive and full of life. I could not be more prouder of being your father. Your mother's relationship with me is so sublime and full of life. You at the very deserve part of our own story as much as you deserve yours, which I am going to share with you now. I felt the same exact feeling with her the same exact feeling I had with you when you were born when we met in Alanya. You could say that I could pinpoint the exact moment of when I fell in love with her, when we...

One day you will probably have a lot of questions about life, about me, about everything in general. There will be happy days, there will be sad days, there will be days when you feel like you just want to bury everything to the ground. You will have to live through it, harness it, mould it however way you want. It is unfortunate that I cannot be there for you, but I am always with you, as you are always with me. Sometimes I feel the same, and there are times when the weight of everything else shoulders upon you indiscriminately, and you and I are wanting to break free. I want you to understand very clearly that you mean so much to me even if everything and everyone else tell you otherwise. You have been the rock that has rested forever in my heart for all the days to come. I want you to know and understand that nothing in our life was ever made in spite. I want you to remember and remember well, just as your name suggests. When we look back to the days, we tend to remember only the th...

if the steps were light will it carry me to some sweet serenity if the wind was right will it parry me from worse anomaly if the moon at night will bury me in furthest obscurity if the joys were on sight will it finally be lulled from fantasy if the morrow's fight will marry me with flights of fancy if the end was bright will be destiny soon I will be free to be a body in the universe maybe a galaxy to be truly free maybe a million miles away but very free

The hours while away, drifting ashore, one foot over the other, nails callously disengaged, protruding, rough. This is my suicide run. Or, more succinctly, my suicide walk . There is only one possible way to do this. All or nothing. Life or death. Fuck the odds. Death it is.

The world is callous and unkind; tt could benefit massively from a cosmic factory settings reset, and yet somehow somewhere somewhen I feel like the same wave that has been undulating all throughout my life remains unfazed by the goings on around us, somehow unperturbed by petty human endeavours, and now I wallow in self-pity once more knowing that nothing ever changes. Absolutely nothing at all.

And then there was music in her shoes. She galloped, she glided, she soared. Upwards ever higher. Lost sight of her in the midst of all the commotion. People surrounded us from all angles watching as the tiny woman sky slowly blurred itself from our visions. The sky was indeed the limit. She was not coming back. None of us could have anticipated how impactful this moment would be for the rest of our miserable lives. It was hard to fathom that someone else's success truly did have some kind of personal repercussion amongst individuals including myself. Never would I have ever imagined a selfish man like me could ever propel my thoughts into such greater heights as hers did, but here I am, burning with a passion of a million exploding suns.

Everything was subtly tense that day, but the air did not betray any sort of omission. Kind of just got carried away by the feeling that somehow it could or could not be. Some of the boys from the day before had granted me a reaffirming copacetism that neither of those that surrounded me provided. so I suppose being thrown off a bus was an understandable and kinder gesture than what I would have hoped. There I was doing the menial things in the hours prior to thinking about being productive, knowing that I was being blamed for any lack of things thereof. Must have swollen that mentally paraplegic woman in bed with laughter once the news broke. Sitting down with a clown and and an assclown, I was presented with my keen reward. I suppose a warm thanks is in order. For all the joys and the pains, the only thing that bothers me most is how quickly I remedy this. Not long after the busybody at home sniffs the dilemma, got me tongue-tied with nothing positive to share, and hoping for the bes...

While the whole ordeal of the wintry escapades in Ukraine finally unfolded, it is best to reflect upon it with a rather observe outlook in counterpart to its climate, which is that my feelings visiting the country, in all its current limitations, have been warm and hospitable, not unlike the expectations that brewed in my mind prior to. It has given me a whole new perspective about Ani, her personality, struggle, humanity. Sort of like stepping into a flurry of faux pas, the kind of which humbles many a man of reasonable sort.

The wilding breeze of white trickled slowly down as we arrived in Slovakia, sanity notwithstanding. The brush of morrow now remains a mystery now wondering if this was even the right idea in the first place. When the first sign of the other acting as though your person is chopped liver hitherto points towards the banality of the significance of the otherness, as though love and faith robs us blind of frustrations and disrespect. First of all, Košice reminds me a lot of secondhand sofa. It was our first stop from London towards Ukraine, in order to soldier the wilding winter white, and for Ani to come to terms with her homesickness, as if I deprive the woman of any capacity to return. My energy is depleted right now as I come to terms that this could be it . Secondly, that first facial whiff of Ukraine inside that cavernous bus ride felt ominous to a higher calling, regardless of the random company that accompanies the commute. The skylight was gone right as we were about to enter, ...