Lazy from C-Z

High time to break bad when a day turns your whole life around. That's all it takes. One bad day, one big joke, and history repeats itself. I tell myself every single day it's time to go, move your butt, and I never heed my own voice, out of fear for what's out there. It's a meaningful experience out there, full of the uncertainties of life, but it's a heavy burden to bear once again. Especially now. But now it really is the time to go, I cling on to something like a frightened mouse. I am admittedly frightened, for my life, even though there's nowhere else going for me but up. I just wish I didn't have to go through this all on my own, but it wouldn't be like this had I been alone anyway, so... que sera.

It was always hard to determine whether or not my father was mad at me at one particular moment. He'd always come up to me with a wide grin on his face one moment and lean his forehead on mine and say, “You are the greatest gift life has ever given me.” And it completes my day, only to see it fade away a few minutes later when he rages about me being unappreciative without having done anything to rue him. It's been really difficult with his mood swings. Sometimes I just thought of leaving him and going somewhere else on my own, build my own stories and all that jazz. I just couldn't. Not without swallowing a sense of guilt I could do without. So I linger on, waiting for the day life will do its own magic, while I'm stuck here waiting for god knows what and lord knows when. Five days ago was my twenty-eighth birthday. I almost couldn't guess the right number had I not peeked into my Facebook profile. I celebrated the occasion by lying in bed all day whilst peopl...

This is to commemorate my initial ruination; a day of eternal mourning. 15042015

... and we just learn. 15042015

Ritual @ Hammersmith Park 15042015

Spring @ Hammersmith Park 15042015

Shots of whispers, paper money on the background. My father walks away and never looks back. Like I care. We worship monkeys on a sidewalk. They cry in epiphany. Bounce... bounce... bounce... tell him that. What's my world to do when all else fails? Your world might be different, but who's fighting who? So I take the stairs, spiralling peacefully out of control, when the physician gave me the deal. There is a benign tumour inside me waiting for the right moment to strike. Cancerous? Maybe. Will it be fatal? Fucking hope that would be the case, then I go Walter White on everyone's ass. You only live once, that's what I would have said. You only love once, too, but that's out of the question. No one really understands how the rock loses to paper in rock-paper-scissors. No one understands how elephants lose to mice, either. No matter how doe-eyed Mickey will be, one simple misstep and he dies to a mammoth. A mammoth with a gift of gab like my mum, sneaky everl...

Calm before the storm.

Luchi Hawke

Somehow I feel revitalised by the prospect of a new flame. A bird whose wings are not that far off from the previous dame; Whose talons are as sharp as her wit can only be whetted whole, And whose beauty is paralleled only by the purity of her soul. She strengthens my laborious days. She inspires my mind in many different ways. She speaks to me without a shred of malice, Unlike those others whose hearts are callous Her words make my spirit smile, and I want her to stay for awhile; Like when she said a magical thing happened in her life when she met me. I was eating lunch when I read it, and I had to choke on my tea. I want to deserve her, the best that I could possibly be; Avoid the same mistakes and the pain I foresee. There's a storm ahead and I feel fine; Dark days are coming but my intentions are divine.

Eleven Minutes @ Sky Garden. 170315

20 Fenchurch Street, London. 170315

London. 170315

A budding feeling grows inside me. Like a lost flower in a desolate place. I know I don't deserve this yet. I tell myself this every day. But it's there, and I want to keep it, just in case something special blossoms. I'm frightened at the thought of losing it, and it's not as if I have it, but I can feel something special. Like the first time I had it. Like the first kiss around the same days as now. Bitter thoughts, painful memories, learning processes. I never want to make the same mistakes again. Miles apart. There is still time for me to change, to improve, to strengthen what I lack, rather than bury myself with these Bunburyist tendencies. I don't want to live a lie. Like the first time I did it. Like the first words that came out of my mouth during those old times. Hostile thoughts, unsavoury memories, tragic missteps. I want to make this one right and learn from the past. If only I could claw my way out of this miserable block. That's pa...

What on earth were you thinking What on earth Some ships are better off sinking Not on earth Sometimes love is a devotion It flies us all in waves of emotion Up and down In perpetual motion These walls, they keep on thumping Who is it on the other side Let me sleep Let me sleep Let me sleep They, they keep on thumping What on earth These walls are finally crumbling Why on earth Sometimes love is a devotion It flies us all in waves of emotion Up and down In perpetual motion Up and down... We couldn't show the things I saw The birds and the trees, on the other side We're better off in torment These walls, these walls need to open wide Good riddance Love, yours truly

I keep having Elvin Bishop's Fooled Around and Fell in Love on repeat in my head all morning. It's like an infection that can't seem to go. I gave in to the temptation and have it played on Youtube as I write this. There is only one person that comes to mind when I think of that song. It's not a pretty memory though; it's something that I try to disassociate myself with every day. If all else fails, perhaps a lobotomy could be of assistance. Nothing good could come of heartbreak. It's only heightened by the fact that today is the worse day of all, knowing that that person could be spending it with someone else. It's not the only day I've thought about this. Times change and it might be different, or it might not be. What I do know is that I've never been the same since then. Probably not ever. It's been more than a year or so. I've been stranded in this room for the same duration since then, a hikikomori , just like I've always f...

So many places to go, the problem is where to stay. Cornwall I know some people here, but just acquaintances. I'll be damned if I can contact them in any way.  Edinburgh Back and there again? Vienna Sabrina wouldn't be there. She'd have to be in South Korea by then. I would love to though, just not sure if it would be worth it. Northern Ireland New land, new people, legal stay. Far away from all the shit. South Korea Too expensive to go and too far. I'd have people to help me though. Would really love to go back, just not for the same reason as the last time. Philippines Last resort. Work would come easier though.

I've seen the lights, I've seen the stars I've seen the moon, I've healed my scars; I've seen love, I'm prone to hate I've seen all these things just dissipate; I've probably seen more than I need to I've probably eaten more than I could chew; I'll die tomorrow if that's what it takes I'll die today if it dulls my mistakes.

It's been awhile since I've allowed myself this feeling, Allow someone else to decide my heart to start beating. But sometimes I think to myself, a cigar is just a cigar; One look, and I fear that all these just for a new scar. Why do I let these temptations dwell inside me then?

One time we were one She was both my moon and the sun Every day was for me fun Until one day she was gone; He followed his heart Even though he tore hers apart What he did wasn't very smart He did not know where to start; Sadness, it spoke hello Hello, hello, and off I go The trip I took to see her grow She slipped away, even though; Three months trapped waiting Near her commiserating Days spent on love and hating Days against my brain debating; One sun and the fun was gone; Our heart apart was no smart start; Hello, I go, I never grow though Waiting and commiserating Nothing worse than hating and debating.