Lazy from C-Z

What on earth were you thinking What on earth Some ships are better off sinking Not on earth Sometimes love is a devotion It flies us all in waves of emotion Up and down In perpetual motion These walls, they keep on thumping Who is it on the other side Let me sleep Let me sleep Let me sleep They, they keep on thumping What on earth These walls are finally crumbling Why on earth Sometimes love is a devotion It flies us all in waves of emotion Up and down In perpetual motion Up and down... We couldn't show the things I saw The birds and the trees, on the other side We're better off in torment These walls, these walls need to open wide Good riddance Love, yours truly

I keep having Elvin Bishop's Fooled Around and Fell in Love on repeat in my head all morning. It's like an infection that can't seem to go. I gave in to the temptation and have it played on Youtube as I write this. There is only one person that comes to mind when I think of that song. It's not a pretty memory though; it's something that I try to disassociate myself with every day. If all else fails, perhaps a lobotomy could be of assistance. Nothing good could come of heartbreak. It's only heightened by the fact that today is the worse day of all, knowing that that person could be spending it with someone else. It's not the only day I've thought about this. Times change and it might be different, or it might not be. What I do know is that I've never been the same since then. Probably not ever. It's been more than a year or so. I've been stranded in this room for the same duration since then, a hikikomori , just like I've always f...

So many places to go, the problem is where to stay. Cornwall I know some people here, but just acquaintances. I'll be damned if I can contact them in any way.  Edinburgh Back and there again? Vienna Sabrina wouldn't be there. She'd have to be in South Korea by then. I would love to though, just not sure if it would be worth it. Northern Ireland New land, new people, legal stay. Far away from all the shit. South Korea Too expensive to go and too far. I'd have people to help me though. Would really love to go back, just not for the same reason as the last time. Philippines Last resort. Work would come easier though.

I've seen the lights, I've seen the stars I've seen the moon, I've healed my scars; I've seen love, I'm prone to hate I've seen all these things just dissipate; I've probably seen more than I need to I've probably eaten more than I could chew; I'll die tomorrow if that's what it takes I'll die today if it dulls my mistakes.

It's been awhile since I've allowed myself this feeling, Allow someone else to decide my heart to start beating. But sometimes I think to myself, a cigar is just a cigar; One look, and I fear that all these just for a new scar. Why do I let these temptations dwell inside me then?

One time we were one She was both my moon and the sun Every day was for me fun Until one day she was gone; He followed his heart Even though he tore hers apart What he did wasn't very smart He did not know where to start; Sadness, it spoke hello Hello, hello, and off I go The trip I took to see her grow She slipped away, even though; Three months trapped waiting Near her commiserating Days spent on love and hating Days against my brain debating; One sun and the fun was gone; Our heart apart was no smart start; Hello, I go, I never grow though Waiting and commiserating Nothing worse than hating and debating.

I suck.

I had a dream. A dream in medias res.  The last five-minutes before fully awakening actually, so it's not technically medias.  We were in a mall-like place, a grand Victoria Plaza, with beautiful girls, sisters, and some guys in this universe that I somehow knew, but all were faceless. Just people. A vivid dream with no clarity beyond the shapes and sizes. But I liked them, and they happened to like me back, and one of them appreciated me more than the others. "It's nine," she said, referring to the time. We still have time. I have a gut instinct this one is calling for the movies. I could not for the life of me remember what film it was. And so we hurried off to the back, running the roundabout until we reached it, and sadly there wasn't a lift to be found. It was just a huge leafy gazebo that are normally found in dreams, totally fake and pretentious. And so all of them ran again, towards the higher steps, the Wonderland-esque escalators and other s...

People are always looking for things to endure. Suffering is mostly self-inflicted. Like a madman looking for a cure to dwarfism and hypertrophy. Mingling and meandering and spinning round and round. What would be fun is when the crows come to town for their annual hunt; destroying countless pigeons along the way, taking cigarette butts and ashes from our doorsteps, and chewing off the bones left from those cretins down at the back alley quay. "We need some words from our sponsors," the high fisher said, in a raspy voice. And all the dolphins leapt from the pond screaming NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! repeatedly until one of the speakers exploded from the sky, fell down into the giraffe's face, causing the lions to laugh hysterically. "Bring in the man," said the high fisher, the raspiness now gone, becoming more sinister. The man came out, gagged within an inch of his flesh, eyes bulged, and his teats intact for all to see. He was nothing more but a spe...

Week ago, Kate messaged. Invited me to a night out on a Wednesday night. It's been months since our last correspondence. I would have figured myself out of the equation by now. But there she was. I missed it. Viewed it on the Thursday. The day after. Shrugged it off. Had a frolick with my rogue on retail. Couldn't call it fun because it had recently become a tedious routine. An obvious no choice, alternative. Couldn't even leave a word to Nina yet. Or Yeji. People that I miss most that I haven't seen in person. Fucking knobhead, I am. Replied to Kate on the Monday. We sorted stuff out on the Tuesday, and met on Wednesday. Blues night, we thought. Weeks and months came and went. This was my first social interaction in a long time. Body got knackered easily at the effort involved with commuting alone, hellish. No trousers available. It's been months, like I said. I don't even have clothes any longer. Had to snatch one that fits, however ghastly. Sky b...

Halfway through the month and I realise how much I despise November. November. I devoted my moustache to your demand. A demand unreciprocated, unappreciated. Same time last year, I considered my life forfeit, grasping straws, breathing rubble, hoping for a glimpse, an answer, mercy. And just now thoughts of her still linger by. First year. How many years more to endure? It's all blank since then, embalmed back into irrelevance. No sincere happiness. Shallowest smiles swing some sunny Sunday. Sunny Sunday. Followed by a year of Holiday. The gloomiest of Sundays. I can breathe. Waking up is improving by a nanometre. Fry trivia drive my day, source of smile, endless. Dirty as fuck, unkempt, with a whiff of unglamorous scent. Ass stuck to bed. The thought of separating from this cramp shithole of a bedroom makes my skin crawl in panic, head asplodes, joy turned to ashes. The outside world reminds me of a certain person. My mind screams AVOID . Everything in it reminds me of th...

Immersion @ Borean Tundra

I should have known by now how different my life would have been had I not laid my eyes upon you. Our first-chance meeting was serendipitous by nature and yet calamitous upon time. We should have known it would lead us both astray, and I can no longer move on in order to accept all of that which is wrought upon my soul. When you walked outside of that door, I followed you to the very end until I can no longer, and yet as my tears rolled and as I begged for my final words to make you stay, you laughed in my face, walked to the opposite direction and didn't look back. I couldn't understand. The eighth of August was tattooed into me forever wrapped with all the pain and the rage. I fell down the steps, one by one, each step losing a part of me. My life would never be the same. Pray for me, Artecia. You will always be dear to my heart. Pray to me as I would towards your future endeavours. Pray for me that I may not give in to devious thoughts, to juvenile instincts, to the...

Saturday Smile ®

I dig my toes into the sand. The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across the blue blanket. I wish to dig my own toes into that sand. I'm ready. I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for weeks on end now. Only that my body fails to push what my mind procrastinates to do. Now is as good a time as any to heal. The process of healing is long overdue. Before my father left the country this past week, I realised now that I have two folding bicycles in possession. How ironic it is then that that's the case. I just want let go of a tear swelling up in my eye that just wouldn't let go, but it hesitates. There is no reason to do it. If a tear falls down in an empty forest and no one was there to see it fall, does it still fall? Purpose. That was the intention the last time before the last time I was away. The last time I was away it was out of necessity. A mummer in a stranger's land: South Korea, where my joy turned to ashes and swallowed by a ga...

That is, if Floyd Mayweather, Jr. and company ends up co-owning the Los Angeles Clippers from the big bozo, Donald Sterling. It's like choosing to have a castration or a beheading. In the end, heads will roll.

\ [+] / My grossly incandescent tips for you young souls: Learn to die and laugh at yourself . Playing any Souls games with a bad temper will diminish your lifespan by 70%, and I'm not talking about your character. Always remember that dying is part of the game , but it's never the game's fault -- you die because you made a mistake. Learn from it, and don't blame the stupid controller or any of the mechanics of the game. Learn from the tutorial near the first bonfire. Do not skip it.  Allocate 80% on offense, 20% on defence . Defence does not matter much when you die a lot anyway. Might as well bring the other down before it brings you down. It wouldn't matter a lot if you wear the starting armour set from beginning to end. Consider it more aesthetic than necessary. But consider a sturdy shield as part of the offence. This applies on all Souls games. Evading is better than blocking , but not always. Learning how to manoeuvre your movements to your a...

Love.

There are contrails in the orange sky as I look out the window. It makes me contemplate for a moment. It seems to me that my reduction into the lowest form of depression has manifested itself quite rapidly, perhaps at the loss of purpose and love, as a result of the mundane things -- which were not mundane at all -- that I took for granted. My aggression towards the end sealed my fate, and now I am left barenaked to witness the gradual loss of my persona. I shudder to think of what lies ahead. All I want, all I still want, all that I have ever wanted, is a new purpose. I cannot blame everything on Mioseon. That was on me. It was my biggest mistake. The things that I did, I did because I grew desperate. It consumed the totality of my being. From the moment that we met, I was sure that my life had begun, that that was it. My life found meaning and purpose. The joy and the pain eventually came, but I grew complacent. We were meant to be together, I thought. None of us could have anti...

Baby steps. Tiny tiptoes coming from a grown boy. Pretentious cocksucker looking for a jive shave. Tomorrow is the first day out in a long while, as if the planet just lost its gift of sunshine. And don't mention anything about the sunshine, because there ain't got one when she's gone. Despite the blunder I'm slowly surviving, finding and inching my way out from the misery. Whatever remained of the memories remain etched in history. Nothing too important, nothing too shabby. Just a pile of sadness waiting to erode, one-by-one because she's gone. Westminster Pier. Make something happen. Birthdays come and pass. Little memories come and gone. New people, new sadness, new trauma. I say, " Bring it on ."  No. The only cause of euphoria now is slow acceptance for this tragedy. I learnt to love and live the tears and pain. Her face inhibits my soul, and I know, it's really over. It's really fucking over. The hardest button I'd ever h...