Lazy from C-Z

No Fap October didn't go exactly as I planned. The depression hangover from yesterday still lingers and was supposed to be a good day too if not for some preconceived idea of hate and frustration. I did release some steam after not having one for a total of just three days, I think. It's not that I deeply regret what I did, I regret having lost the available flat that of Rosaline's. It was meant for me at the same time probably not. I plan on giving up everything except my responsibilities beginning Monday. Start a fresh new one that I oh so fully loathe doing. Rather have that than having none at all. This life toll is tearing me to shreds and I'm hanging on to whatever is trying to get a hold of me. I had my first full bath today having all the time in my hands, extremely bored as I was. It made me feel so buoyant in nature but the risk involved was in a way overwhelming my entire person as I was dipping myself into the tub. Air forces itself up on its own despite me ...

First day of the filming went smooth albeit short. Never mind, I'm just happy to be gifted with talents surrounding me and helping me develop into a budding and aspiring artist and artist-ician. Chapa is an amazing three-piece band, must-hear. Check them out at Chapa .

It means No Fap October. I'm shiverin' me timbers! Two days left to go.

It is with deep regret and anxiety as I begin writing this update. I know that my inevitable demise would soon come to a sudden strike. I wholeheartedly accept it as my own and frankly am eager of the new and excitingly different things in store for me in the future. The thing is I really am unfortunate in things that make me blissfully complete. Just as I am about to finish the studio, a whole thing comes along in the form of a woman, someone so special to me and so endearing I'd probably bleed a bucket just to make her smile an inch. I am very saddened and embittered by the suddenness of this fiasco and I want to cling on to whatever is left of this, no matter what the cost. I don't want to compromise anything but if need be I will. Just show me a sign or whatever, please give me effort to do the things that I normally can't and will not. All will be taken for granted, I promise you that. Fuck the world, in with love.

Made my heart melt like cinnamon with cheese on top layered with yellowish crusts of sesame sprinkled with love and affection, truth and seraphic. My guilty pleasure, undying vice.

The headline is a huge pain in the arse. Looking for a place to call my own, just at least a decent one. Is it that difficult to find in this huge London town? 

Crap Sunday. Literally. Too much, too many food in my belly. This isn't the best day ever. Far from it. At least we had another party to ease my mind. 'Hey! I heard somebody say, "Work harder than you play," but I never miss a single day's party.'

All in all it's alcohol Ten pints would make me fall It's never too late To masturbate When girls just make me crawl

It's been quite awhile since I last woke up on a very early morning... without intending it, of course. I woke up today seven with the sounds of my mother's cockamamie tantrum about a missing camera that I intentionally set aside on the corner without saying anything. She was bazonkers as cuckoo! I fucking hate it when she does that. I wanted to go back to my slumber but after everything how could I? I can't wait to leave this putrid hellhole, my independence can't coming any fucking closer.

In as much as I hate to admit it, I can honestly say right now that I want to be loved more than any other thing. Fuck, wimminz can be such pains in the ass. Everywhere and everytime it is as if there's someone coming over and knocks me off my feet. It's embarrassing and not something I normally would want to say. Some things are unbelievably cruel and sad, methinks. I just wanted to be more honest and frank to myself if I am acting the same way when dealing with other people. 

3:20 am It's time to sleep now, I guess Can't stop the music

My head hurts so bad God damn it Uncharted 2 But I met a girl

She never spoke much about herself and yet shared everything to me. She makes me feel good and that's all that mattered. I never tried asking her for anything other than what she was willing to share. The moment I met her I told her I like her. That was one of the few first words I had to her. She enjoyed it, probably for the attention, but I didn't mind. I did like her. After that she made me all the more weaker with desire. She talked to me about tiny, little pieces of her life, love and family. She never told me her birthday though. I shrugged, wanting to laugh and sigh at the same time. She knows a lot of dialects and familiar with foreign ones. That was how it started, this newborn friendship. She speaks to me in detail her aspirations and heartaches. Who was I to say no? I was entranced by her mystical aura. She writes well too, something that I feel is being drained from me. She gives me reason to be something else. She shares to me her room and her shoes, not minding th...

So there's this dilemma I have with writing. I want to write but I can't. It's because all the ideas start drifting away. They don't want me anymore. They despise me. They loathe me. Then my vocabulary goes along with it. I'm growing dumber by the minute and it scares me. Gone were the days when ideas start pouring in and out of my head as if they were breakfast. Trouble is I don't eat breakfasts. I was always a morning crammer. Sometimes I even forget to take a shower or else I'll be late for class. And still I'm late for class. I arrive, quiz is over. End of my career.

To be frank about this, I really have no idea what to say. I'm currently sitting on my bed as I have been doing for the past week now since this is part of my two-week holiday from class. This bumming isn't what I was hoping to do but since here I am, making the most out of it even barely making sense out of it, I'll just let it slip and hope to God everything will be for the better on the long run. My head is feeling numb recently. As if a cacophony of discreet mobile vibrations were inside it, moving about and figuring out a way to dissect into my subconscious. It's a very annoying feeling, without any substance at all except misery and pain. I can't even use it to write the intended scripts properly. It's a curse, it is. This house. I just feel it in my gut. I know it. Not all is bad though. Sometimes happiness comes in the form of invisible happiness from far away. Take, for instance: Johanna. Finally got herself to Finland all the way from Idaho. Such a l...

It pains me greatly to bear this normal-hormonal stage, much more so that I am a man. But this separate bipolar entity (whatever it is), winning, will never succeed in my ultimate self-assassination. Whatever happens will happen but it never happens if it's never wanted.

All in all I had a wonderful week. Something to treasure in my heart but not something I can say I did it flawlessly. I felt pathetic as a matter of fact. My performance was, for a lack of a WORSE word, lacklustre. I never felt so disappointed in my life. It was then that I realized how much that moment valued for me. I cannot let this go. I must have it. There is just no other way, I said. Lunch break came and I was so down, emotionally broken. I need to do something. I have to find a way to counter the said counter Thomas was talking about. Lunch break finished, I'm still at the tip of my temper. Should I give up? I shouldn't even have considered that miserable question. It would have been over the moment I entertained that. Lady luck was fucking with me without actually touching me, and never have I felt so insulted in my life. Another five stinking minutes of break and still no signs of success, I felt Thomas was picking on me now. God damn it Cil, you just have to DO it, a...

And I'm going to bed. This is a very disturbing feeling. I hate this godawful dilemma. 

It's sad that I uninstalled my crappy Microsoft Office 07 earlier today. I expected it to be nice but it ended up to be quite sadistic and annoying. It bothered me ever since I started using it, and now it's finally gone. It went to recycle bin heaven. It was annoying because it kept on changing formats every single time I press the enter key and quite frankly no matter how I changed it, it just goes back the way it was before I fixed it, and so I re-fixed it and end up awfully in another dose of fail. I need the older one. The more simpler the better. I'd have none of this bullcrap shit. This was like Chael Sonnen, a master mouth diarrheist, hell bent on taking over the world with its advanced skills and sharp takeovers. Three minutes left until he's supposed to upset the opponent, he just falls short. That's MS Office 07. Chael fucking Sonnen. I'm in dire need of any writing program and this blog-shit would probably do but I need it for the script which I oh s...

I was taking a walk When I saw you pass by I don't know what's next really. I just heard this a few seconds ago from Zooey.