Lazy from C-Z

It could be that if I had said no, my life would move on free from the cachinnations of random fury, but what seemed like a hopeless evening turned hopeful on the spot when the man on the other line asked her what I wanted to drink. Cocktails just are not my thing. They have never stirred a salivating thirst in me, but free is free and fireworks displays were promised upon purchase. So me and Andrea said yes. Was I happy that I stayed with them both? Hard to say. The Sunday roast we had dined a few moments ago had quickly digested, and then I was hungering for something else. I had zero expectations going in, only glad that I had found good pep. But good pep adds nothing to the occasion. I am unlike Mauritius over here, who appeared more predatory than a direwolf the first time I saw him emerge from the shadows in a separate hostel in Russell Square. It is my only deep regret of finding him again by coincidence staying here in Lord Southampton. It is really not in my best inte...

Bits and pieces of things long lost have started appearing out of nowhere all of a sudden. Memories of people, places, and thoughts associated with my belongings knock at the door waiting to be let in, never to be left on its own accord. I am to be the master puppeteer of this cerebral construct, of nightmares I wish were forgotten, of people I wish to rid all manner of associations with. Mother had surprised Miriam with a message for me. Of a very far-fetched idea on how to maximise my potential to become something which I totally am not. A preacher for a religion I have absolutely no faith of of all things. Perhaps as a way to once again fuck up and atone for the totality of my insufferable existence. Fortunately for me I now have total control of my destiny. Something of which has never brought me much satisfaction, in fairness, true, but still the freedom to be a clueless and monumental buffoon is much more satisfying than to be a scholar trapped in the confines of virility, p...

Dark days are behind me now. Those moments linger for awhile and never let go, but I have managed to rise above. Miriam and I have grown stronger in the process, perhaps unwillingly so. We both do have our separate and individual fears for each other. Most of what it is is unfounded, even petty and makes no sense whatsoever. We disagree on so many things and we have very little in common, yet here we remain and persevere, as if the fate of our lives rests on each other's laurels. Now we have rediscovered our love for one another. For most days, that is enough for me to know and be happy about. I was wrong to allow myself to be complacent, and yet I know for certain it will one day repeat, not just once, but over and over again. I was wrong to assume that she would understand me, in whatever it is that I do, without due explanation, because she loved me. That I took love as an excuse to be lazier than I already am, pretending it is a currency that I could pull out whenever it p...

Every morning I get a weird sensation of pain resonating out of my eyes, especially when my body feels it lacks sleep even though it doesn't. Eight hours is more than enough time for rest. This would be another day where Miriam is somewhat feeling more distant with me. As if the reason to move on from her would be the most backwards beneficial thing I could ever ask for myself even though part of me tells me I shouldn't. With or without her, of course, I will survive. But I like her. Truly, I do. The decision as usual lies upon her to decide for our fate. I will once again be in shambles, tattered even worse than ever before. The thought of going back to the streets was all too familiar. I would want to avoid such fate whenever necessary.  When life finally chooses that path for me in the future, I will be mentally prepared. But the state of my perpetual loathing will one day have to rid itself on its own. My isolation will be my penance, as it had always been, therefore, ...