Saturday, 30 October 2010

Halloween

Halloween, All Saints, All Souls, whatever people consider thinking of it still remains one of the favourite holiday seasons throughout the year. It is time for people to scare themselves dry and freak each other out with frightening costumes and sweets, not to mention parties and celebrations throughout the day.

Funny and awesome as it may sound, it still remains daunting that most of the people here celebrate this day on a different light. From where I am from, it usually is taken in from a different approach. People are gloomy,sad, nostalgic and are usually found lingering inside and out of cemeteries taking solace with their loved ones who, in previous moments in time, departed from this world and made a whole new, different journey of their own. Candles are most common commodities to be found anywhere in the place. Chicken boxes in Styrofoam are part of what I remember growing up experiencing the same ambience of cultural norm.

Melancholic as this day represents, 'tis serves as a reminder for those whose legacies are intertwined with steadfast desire to amalgamate into ad hoc.

Bad vibes

Little did I expect things to happen so soon. How pathetic of me and sad. As soon as I reached out the sun after the rain I knew something grew amiss. It isn’t working out the way it was supposed to. Notwithstanding the complete effect of my own slipups I pushed through and pretended nothing happened to no avail. Maybe this awkward letting go will eventually dissipate in time but as of today might as well shrink into a flower, wallflower, reminding me again how much I hate fucking flowers just recently. But that’s an entirely different scenario on its own.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Windows Live Writer

Just testing the water. Make way for noob!

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Feel like shit

Dry, stinky, voluminous and spiky shit. A big middle finger to myself and all! Welcome to Antisocial Anonymous, how may I help myself?

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Fulham


Last day at The English Studio with amazing Brazil people. Ooh, dat bellie. o_o

Primark, a haiku

The stuffs are so cheap
I want to buy something now
But I'm ashamed to

It takes too much to impress

I'm arrogant, I'm cocky, I'm the f'n king of the world. Reminds me of the likes of Floyd Mayweather, Jr., Brock Lesnar, et al. Those type of people the people love to hate. I am aware of this quality in me and frankly I embrace it. Downside of all these bragging rights is that I don't have the right.

Feels bad, son.

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Torn

When some sort of idiotic emotion gobbles you up and struggles to maintain control of your entire self then you know there is something wrong with your way of living as I found out firsthand. Now in order to counter this self-detonating idiocy I must control the controller itself. And I speak of love as if I am the first person to ever experience such godawful fallacy, which by the way is completely rational in my part but totally and completely brash and hasty amongst normal denizens of this forsaken planet. I've met lots of people in my stay here in London and each person signifies a different star, of which despite its brightness and ardour remains distant and farfetched for my own desires. For the most part I try so very hard to ignore this foolishness, problems which I created with my own paranoia, but the longer it takes the more it sets in and then blowjobs me down to my unconscious. I'd have none of this if given the chance. I'd have none of all either. Now that I have these, these petty euphoric idiocy, 'tis hard to ever go back. If I survive it is not because I learned to love, but because I learned that sex, play and fist are siblings in spirit.

Monday, 18 October 2010

You're so kind, really

The first week of performing arts worked better than I expected it to be. I turned out mediocre in all honesty but it was not without a fight. I took lots of liberty in most of our exercises and it felt amazing doing it in front of a lot of people with similar goals and intentions. It was there that I met people of similar interests and of outstanding backgrounds and qualifications. At the same time, I've never felt so alienated but happy both. We are an amazing bunch of people, our batch. When I first heard from Amy that I am a pioneer Filipino, the stakes grew higher. I felt the need to become best of what I do and what I must do. Although half of that feeling goes out of the other ear. I'm a lousy doer. We got along pretty fast, more so than I expected. Each person has their own unique set of skills and ideas and somehow it got pretty difficult figuring out the middle ground in which to stand on because everything has to be complex and ideal according to one's set of mind. I'm very happy and honoured to be part of this group. I try hard and long to be different myself, acting as if I were nice and all, which is hardly ever the case in par reality. The next obstacle to grasp is facing up to the momentum and taking it head-on face-first, and to find ways of looking for the more suitable living grounds for slumber and rest together with a group of lovely and talented young women of almost the same age.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

The night she said good day

None of it matters anymore. This guilt-ridden abusive nature of mine has had quite enough of its pride and stupidity. I would rather eat a rat's twat if it means staying on track on my primary objective. Every else just does not mend well according to plan of action. There were loads of moments and just minor repercussions but everything still fell apart. I guess I just am a fated juggalo wanting to be something I truly am not, and everything shows just because. There were times in between those moments where I felt the urge to compete against the tide and be a showcase of my own silly imagination, but even that had never quite been up to par. What the fuck have I been doing since then? What the fucking fuck went wrong? What the fucking fucking fuck is wrong with me? I just don't really know myself anymore, and sometimes I just don't care why. Maybe that's why.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Linger

No Fap October didn't go exactly as I planned. The depression hangover from yesterday still lingers and was supposed to be a good day too if not for some preconceived idea of hate and frustration. I did release some steam after not having one for a total of just three days, I think. It's not that I deeply regret what I did, I regret having lost the available flat that of Rosaline's. It was meant for me at the same time probably not. I plan on giving up everything except my responsibilities beginning Monday. Start a fresh new one that I oh so fully loathe doing. Rather have that than having none at all. This life toll is tearing me to shreds and I'm hanging on to whatever is trying to get a hold of me. I had my first full bath today having all the time in my hands, extremely bored as I was. It made me feel so buoyant in nature but the risk involved was in a way overwhelming my entire person as I was dipping myself into the tub. Air forces itself up on its own despite me not having covered in deep, forceful water. Part of it scared me and made me lose the grip of the risk involved and still I wanted part of it. It was like a test of mettle. Mine was long gone. Like someone told me my services are no longer required and I'm just in it for backdraft. Fuck you, chance.

Search and destroy